Hi, my name is Kim Anh. I'm considering about taking IELTS test in Marth next year but i'm not good at writing skill,really hope that you guys can give me some advices.Thank you so much!
Topic: Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programs ( for examples working for a charity, improving the neighborhood, or teaching sports to younger children)
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is undeniable that a non-profit organization is increasingly becoming popular and important because of its social and community activities which result in improvement not only in public awareness but also in economic infrastructure. I completely agree with the obligation of unpaid community service in high school.
Firstly, students can enhance their life skills through practical lessons such as how to raise funds to help the disabled or people in need. Instead of monotonous and unpractical lessons and no after-school activities, they will be strenuous to achieve their voluntary goals for the community. Besides, students can embrace a myriad of career guide opportunities, widen their relationship, and importantly well-prepared to cope with future difficulties.
Secondly, by being given compulsory charitable work activities they will be more responsible for what they are assigned and also matured enough to make judicious decisions on their own compared to passive incompetence. Furthermore, perceptive insights into the real world spur them to come up with a long-term vision.
Thirdly, neurological or gastrointestinal diseases can not penetrate students' bodies and harm their health because of their attendance in sport and extracurricular activities instead of playing games or watching TV after school. Students can get rid of unwholesome habits and be invigorated by competitively physical competitions which engender incredible excitement as well as willingness to learn.
In conclusion, unpaid community service is believed not to be an obligatory but indispensable regime to foster the development of the educational system.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 The format you have chosen to use for this essay is incorrect. In fact, even with your incorrect 5 paragraph format, your essay is still under the word count at 242 / 250 words. So you automatically get word point deductions for not meeting the word count. Then, your paragraphs oftentimes only have 2 sentences in them, when the required count is 3-5 sentences per paragraph. So the formatting of this essay alone will already be a problem that will limit your scoring capability in the overall scoring consideration.
While your reasoning is acceptable, this essay only requires 2 reasoning paragraphs, not 5. Only comparative discussions with a personal opinion use the 5 paragraph format. You should aim to be consistent with your sentence count. 5 lines per paragraph to make sure that you meet the minimum word count at the very least. It will help to add clarity to your idea presentation and give you a chance to really write a mix of simple and complex sentences. Never use single sentence presentations (run-on sentences) or multiple idea presentations per sentence (still a run-on).
@Holt
Thank you very much.I really appreciate your advice but i'm still confused about my writing format, as I read a lot of essays and myriads of them are divided into 4-5 paragraphs like this even sample writings from Cambridge IELTS books.
As an IELTS learner myself, I believe this is not a standard format of task 2 writing. You only need 4 paragraphs.
Introduction: 2 sentences
Body 1 and 2: reasons and explanation 3-5 sentences (each paragraph has one topic sentences, supporting ideas and example)
Conclusion: 1 sentences
As I read, you divided your essay into 5 with 3 reasoning paragraphs, which is unnecessary. You should narrow down to 2 reasoning paragraphs only. Also, three of them have no topic sentences.
@Hannah Robjn
Thanks for your comments it helps me a lot,I'll try to make corrections as suggested.
