Unanswered [0] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
 
Home / Writing Feedback4

The consequences of deforestation would be even more serious than the global warming


Some people believe that global warming is the most pressing environmental problem which we have at the moment; others believe that deforestation has a more devastating impact on our world. To what extent you agree or disagree with the statement?

Writing Task 2: Environment topic



Nowadays, many people are concerned about environment problems arising from global warming and deforestation. While global warming leads to severe impacts on our planet, I think that consequences of deforestation would be even more serious.

On the one hand, our planet has been suffering from several impacts of global warming. Firstly, global average temperature were rising continually recent decades, and it sometime was recorded above 50 degree in summer in some big cities. Number of low-income people cannot survive under this heatwaves, and so with wild animals. For example, polar bears living in sea ice are tracked declining in number because they cannot adapt with extended hot summer. Secondly, global warming results in the ice smelting at the poles which then lead to several effects such as extreme floods and storms. The flowing of salt water into lands make them inhabitable for native species and unable to cultivate for human. Finally, many dangerous diseases spread rapidly under warm weather, and they will cause widespread devastation.

On the other hand, I would argue that deforestation may be a more alarming problem. Forests have a critical role in absorbing greenhouse gases, which fuels global warming. In other words, removing the forests means that larger amount of carbon dioxins will enter the atmosphere and accelerate speed of global warming. Beside that forests are natural habitats for most species in the Earth, and they cannot survive if their homes are destroyed. Furthermore, deforestation also results in many problems such as air pollution, soil erosion and floods.

In conclusion, while global warming causes a lot of damage to our planet, it seems to me that potential consequences of deforestation would be more significant.

278 words.

Please help me correct this essay.
Thank you.

Feb 17, 2017   #2
Rain, there is a bit of confusion regarding your prompt requirement. The statement sounds more like an opinion essay. Yet, it is asking you agree or disagree with a statement. However, the statement is not stating an opinion but rather the beginning of a question. Kindly double check the instructions and make sure that this is not an opinion essay. Now, regardless of the type of essay discussion you are actually trying to present, the fact remains that you did not offer an agreement or disagreement with the statement provided. You cannot say "I think..." when the essay asks you to respond with "I agree to an extent" or "I disagree to an extent". Your approach to the task is wrong. Which shows a lack of understanding of the prompt requirement. Which in turn, will result in a failure of your task accuracy score. I suggest that you review the prompt requirement, make sure that you are discussing the essay in the manner expected by the examiner, and then write the essay again. Right now, this essay will get a failed score. I'll give you a chance to rewrite this essay though because it looks like the prompt requirement you stated here is unclear or misrepresented.
@Holt
This's my mistake. I write a discussion essay, but I copy a wrong requirement.
Please check following essay and help me correct. Thanks

Some people believe that global warming is the most pressing environmental problem which we have at the moment; others believe that deforestation has a more devastating impact on our world.

Discuss both sides and give your opinion.


Nowadays, many people are concerned about environment problems ...

278 words.
Feb 17, 2017   #4
Rain, you should have place a period instead of a comma at the end of the second sentence in the opening statement because that stated a fact that did not have a continuing idea. Only continuing ideas require a comma to be used in the same sentence to connect the two thoughts.

Rather than saying "On the one hand" and "On the other hand", clearly state that you will be discussing the opinion being presented in the prompt. You have to be clear about that because your opinion is required to be presented as a separate paragraph instead of as a part of the two discussions. So some of the terms that you can use to indicate that you are discussing a prompt required topic is by saying, "The people who are of the opinion that...", "One of the thoughts regarding this situation is that...", then transition to the next required prompt by opening the next paragraph with "However, there are those who believe...", "Some believe that..." , "Others are of the opinion that...", "There is a contradictory thought that says..", just to show you a few examples of how to better respond to the required portion. After discussing the two opinions, you can then present your own opinion by saying "In my opinion..." , "I believe that...", "I support the idea that..." to show that you are owning your opinion and that the thoughts being presented are to be attributed to you.

Your conclusion is insufficient. It does not present the summary of the preceding discussion, there is no representation of your opinion in the concluding sentence, which would have led to a stronger closing paragraph. The overall score for this essay could be no higher than a 5.


Home / Writing Feedback /