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TOEFL: constructing public transportation systems in cities is good?


lephuc 3 / 10 3  
Oct 11, 2014   #1
Some people believe that cities should spend more money to construct public transportation systems. Others believe that public transportation systems are inconvenient and should not be constructed in cities. Which do you believe? Give your specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Big cities play central roles in every country. It's no wonder that governments spend a lot of money modernizing cities. Although some people disagree with constructing public transportation systems in cities, I believe it is positive for development after all. My opinion is associated with geology, economy and environment.

From a geological viewpoint, cities are the best places for constructing public transportation systems. Required finances, workforce, opportunities to get access to modern technologies... are all higher than those from the rural areas. Moreover, cities can be considered as samples for testing whether public transportation systems are good and necessary for further applying all over the country. Through these experiences, we have an opportunity to adjust our policies.

Economically, public transportation systems saves a lot. Every one saves money while using public transportation systems. Cities can save spaces and time since public transportation systems can be constructed underground or higher in the air. So it is really a win-win strategy.

Last but not least, public transportation systems helps in saving the environment much. That the environment becomes fresh and clean when individuals reduces his/her own means of transport is precise. In addition, while travelling together, people have a place to talk and share their views. In this way our social will be more vibrant and interactive.

In conclusion, despite of having several disadvantages, public transportation systems appear to be necessary. Every one should use it oftenly, economically and effectively so that public transportation systems would become a critical part in every modern city.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 12, 2014   #2
lephuc, I have just a few revisions and comments for you to note.

economy and environment.

- ... and the environment.

... opportunities to get access to modern technologies... are all higher than those from the rural areas. Moreover, cities can be considered as samples for testing whether public transportation ...

Economically, public transportation systems saves a lot. Every one saves money while using public transportation systems...

- You need to present solid, factual evidence of this claim. This is a very under developed paragraph that lacks the required minimum number of sentences. It is not effective at all. Present an example that shows how ordinary people can save money by taking public transport instead of private vehicles. Compare the price of gas used by cars weekly as opposed to the bus or train fare. Then compare it by month to show the savings of a person.

In addition, while travelling together, people have a place to talk and share their views. In this way our social will be more vibrant and interactive.

- This is a very confusing sentence. First you are talking of the environment then you start to talk about social interaction, which should be a separate paragraph. Go for thought clarity and try to restate this paragraph with acceptable supporting facts. Move the social interaction to an additional paragraph and develop it further.

In conclusion, despite of having several disadvantages, public transportation systems appear to be necessary...

- Your conclusion falls short. It does not have the restated prompt clearly set out, there is no summary of facts, and your opinion is not repeated at the end. There is a need to revise this part as well.
Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Oct 12, 2014   #3
Firstly, congratulate you showed variety of useful knowledge about this topic.

Secondly, try to provide with some specific daily example. For instance, in your second body paragraph you could add how uncomfortable and inconvenient is the rush hour. Since, there are numerous congestions or traffic jams, or almost impossible to walk on the street properly. Therefore, you can late to your work, miss some crucial appointments, funerals and so on.

That is why public transportation is so important. Imagine yourself, if there will be no cars or private vehicles. There will only buses subways taxis, then it will facilitate the road. In other words, it will make the government easier to balance buses and taxis and so on.

In terms of the third, you could say global warming or polluted airs are the issues that the government should take care of. Public transportation is the thing that can diminish the pollution or contaminated air. Hence, enticing people to use it is useful for both our world and people who live in it is a wise decision to consider.

And yes do not forget to point out how it can reduce the amount of fuels or petrols government can waste. Good luck!
OP lephuc 3 / 10 3  
Oct 19, 2014   #4
Dear vangiespen and other nice people.
I have correct some part of my previous essay based on your feedback. Here it goes. I hope you all can give me feedback over.

"You need to present solid, factual evidence of this claim. This is a very under developed paragraph that lacks the required minimum number of sentences. It is not effective at all. Present an example that shows how ordinary people can save money by taking public transport instead of private vehicles. Compare the price of gas used by cars weekly as opposed to the bus or train fare. Then compare it by month to show the savings of a person."

A little computation shows us. For example, if you have 6 kilometers from your home to work and you work 6 days per week, no more going around, bus fee costs as much as required amount of gas for traveling through a private motorbike. Also, the longer the distance is, the more saving that traveling on bus has as opposed to the private vehicles.

"Move the social interaction to an additional paragraph and develop it further."
Socially, public transportation systems help in connecting people. It is a place for people to meet and share their views, express their attitudes about up-to-date information or current events. That make our community a vibrant and deep-interactive one.

"Your conclusion falls short. It does not have the restated prompt clearly set out, there is no summary of facts, and your opinion is not repeated at the end. There is a need to revise this part as well."

To summarize, public transportation systems have positive effects on our society. Therefore, constructing public transportation systems in cities should be regarded as a cheap, friendly and meaningful way of achieving individual's goal in particular and nation's goals in general.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 19, 2014   #5
lephuc, your revision is a mess! You most certainly do not know how to properly revise an essay. When we make suggestions for revisions, you are supposed to incorporate it into the actual essay and then submit the newly written essay to this thread for our further review. Please note that you have to upload the complete essay for review and not the bits and pieces that you have here, which is even mixed in with the comments and suggestions that we gave you. We don't need to know what we told you about, we can refer to our response thread to you or, as in my case, I always remember the suggestions and comments I made in the essay. You need to fix this before we can properly review your essay again. Once you have properly revised your essay, post it here for our review.

The reason that we need to read the whole essay again, with the revisions we recommended is because we need to see if there are any flaws that need to be corrected due to the revision. We will need to help you correct any errors that stem from our suggestions. So just giving us the bits and pieces that you revised will not help in polishing your essay. I hope you understand what I am trying to explain. I look forward to reading your fully revised essay soon :-)
OP lephuc 3 / 10 3  
Oct 19, 2014   #6
I am sorry, sir. It is really my first experience of doing things like this on our forum. I will write my whole essay by the following:

Big cities play central roles in every country. It's no wonder that governments spend a lot of money modernizing cities. Although some people disagree with constructing public transportation systems in cities, I believe it is positive for development after all. My opinion is associated with geology, economy and social studies.

[...]
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 19, 2014   #7
lephuc, I apologize for being so cross with you. I know that you can do better and I have read a better essay from you so I was really frustrated to have read this paper that you seem to have completed halfheartedly. See more of my suggestions for editing the essay below.

Big cities play central roles in every country. It's no wonder that governments spend a lot of money modernizing cities. Although some people disagree with constructing public transportation systems in cities, I believe it is positive for developmentafter all . My opinion is associated with geology, economy and social studies.

A little computation shows us .

- Going directly to your example makes more of an impact upon the reader.

bus fee costs as much as required amount of gas for traveling through a private motorbike. Also, the longer the distance is, the more saving that traveling on bus has as opposed to the private vehicles .

- bus fees cost as much as gas if one uses a private motorbike. The longer the distance, the more savings one will have once he takes the bus instead of private vehicles.

That makes our community a vibrant and deep-interactive one.

friendly and meaningful way of achieving individual's goal in particular and nation's goals in general.

These edits ought to polish the essay :-)
OP lephuc 3 / 10 3  
Oct 20, 2014   #8
thank you
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,204 469  
Nov 1, 2014   #9
This writing is good. However, it contains over 400 words, which I think that if you deal with such words in the real exam, then I am sure this will take some time to finish.

a central roles

This contains a grammar issue. Write a central role or central roles.

good transportation.

What do you mean by "good transportation"? This is too vague. I suggest that you write it in-depth discussion.

the number people using private vehicles is tremendous

the number of people using private vehicles is tremendous

Furthermore, when people use public transportation systems regularly, they will reduce their private vehicles, which cause a lot of environmental problems.

This paragraph contains too many ideas. Always remember that one paragraph is of one topic sentence. Plus, two or three sentences supporting the topic. By doing so, I am sure that readers will be easy to follow the logical order.

Thanks.


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