Please review and comment on the following essay. Also could you guys let me know if this is the correct essay for the given prompt. Thank you in advance for your feedback.
More and more people today want to own famous brand clothes , cars and other items. What are reasons? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
Throughout the history of mankind, humans have craved for the betterment of their life. With the advent of globalization, this desire has changed into consumerism with people focused on acquiring items of famous brands. However it is agreed that this approach is a negative one. The effects of consumerism on the traditions and environment are analyzed to prove the undesirable development on society.
Firstly, people always want to follow the latest fashion and in process are willing to give up their traditions. For instance, history has shown that the cultural attire of Indian women is a sari. But due to the influence of western culture, women in India seldom wear their ethnic attire. This clearly shows that due to the effect of consumerism people are giving up their tradition. which is an unwarranted development on society.
Moreover, due to the ever changing trends in the fashion the amount of waste accumulated from old items that are disposed is increasing at an alarming pace. Take cell phones for example. With the release of every new model the old model is thrown away. This throw away culture has led to increase of the non-degradable waste that adversely affects the environment. Thus it is evident that negative effect of consumerism on the environment has a negative development.
To sum up, the effects of consumerism on ones' tradition and environment has clearly proven that it is an undesirable effect on the society. However, this trend is expected to continue in the future. Thus it is up to the people to realize this and take necessary steps to safeguard their tradition and environment.
1. May be the example chosen - sari - could have been changed .. I think this eg is not so effective
2. with people
focusedfocusing on ..
3. desire - undesirable - undesirable --> three times same word has been used.
4. However it is agreed that this approach is a negative one - I do not think that everyone would say so ... may be you can state it as your opinion
5. other points that can be considered -
a. We tend to become a spendthrift. Though we claim ourselves that we are in up to date with the society, the spending on buying new releases in the market can be reduced.
b. Due to the fact that we ought to buy only branded items, our homegrown products seems to be losing importance.
The traditional attire for Indian women is saree. Why yous link it with history? sounds redundant :(
You claim that western influence is the reason for this phenomenon. However, I believe it is globalization, which is predominantly coming form Western world, that has caused this change.
Overall, good writing - good vocabulary, structure and grammar. Good luck!