Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

[TASK 1] Consumption of fish and different kinds of meat in a European nation

minh2310 1 / 3  
Aug 18, 2017   #1
"Hello, this is the first time I join our forum, thanks for your all supports and advises. I would be grateful if you mark my essay"

Here is my essay:

figure for food consumption somewhere in Europe

The give line chart illustrates the figure for food consumption including four main categories measured in a European country from 1979 to 2004

It can clearly be seen that there was an opposite trend in the consumption of different foods over the 25-year period. In particular, chicken saw a steady increase while beef and lamb show a downward movement.

According to the given information, in 1979 the amount of chicken usage accounted for around 200 gram per week while only 50 gram of fish was eaten. At the same time, there was a similar pattern of eating beef and lamb, approximately 150 gram per week. In the next 10 years, Lamp consumption witnessed a significant decline from 150 to just over 100 gram per week whereas chicken and beef had a fairly equal quantity, stood at 200 gram.

It was not until 2004 that chicken experienced the highest figure, roughly 250 gram per week, which was at least twice as high as that for beef. Interestingly, the number of fish consumption showed a downward fluctuation around 50 gram per week over the whole period

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,839 4175  
Aug 18, 2017   #2
Hi Minh, I daresay that you have accomplished something that very few of the participants have managed to accomplish on their first try of posting at this forum. That is, you actually hit on what I believe to be an essay worthy of a score of 7 based upon a number of considerations.

My first consideration for giving you this score is the fact that you went out of your way to critically analyze the data in the line graph. You managed to see the minute details such as the overlapping segments, which others before often missed out on reporting. This shows that you truly took the time to draft, revise, and re-examine the image that was provided to you for analysis.

The vocabulary that you used is impressive enough in its simplicity. I would like to remind you to spellcheck your words before submitting your paper though. There was a misspelling of "lamb" in the essay as "lamp". I am sure that you know what the difference is between the two words right? Mistakes like that, if repeated often enough in an actual test will result in a reduced score. I do not want that for you.

Finally, the biggest problem that I saw with the essay had to do with the summary overview. It needs more work. There was still information in the graph that should have been included in your statement such as the types of meat to be compared and the discussion instruction from the original prompt. Had you included those information in the paraphrased summary analysis, you would gained a higher score in the end.

Do me a favor next time and please include the original discussion instructions with your post. That way I can better analyze your essay for clarity and responsiveness. I am confident in the way that you wrote this essay only because the data for consideration is obvious and you really did a good job in the analysis portion. However, for your next essay, I wish to have a reference point for a more accurate analysis of your presentation. Which is why I will need the original instructions to be included in the post.

Again, you did very good work in this essay. I just hope that you can continue to show improvement or at least keep up with this score in your next practice essays. Keep up the good work. I am sure you have the ability to pass the test on the first try.
hgianghgiang 7 / 14 3  
Aug 18, 2017   #3
Frankly this is a poorly written essay. You made many basic mistakes, including wrong use of words, wrong verb tense, lack of formal tone and the way information was indicated got me confused a bit. Here I offer some of alternatives:

give -> given
the figure for -> the statistic on
a European country -> an European
chicken-> the statistics of chicken intake
saw -> experienced
beef and lamb -> that of beef and lamb
show ->showed
chicken usage -> chicken
accounted for-> was ( account for is used only for a share of a total sum)
eating beef and lamb -> beef and lamb consumption
next ten years -> following ten years
"whereas chicken and beef had a fairly equal quantity, stood at 200 gram" -> whereas an equal number of chicken and beef was eaten. The two lines intersected at roughly 200 grams

It was not until 2004-> In the final year 2004
experienced -> reached its highest figure of 250 gram per week
at least
that for beef -> that of beef
Interestingly, the number of fish consumption showed a downward fluctuation around 50 gram per week over the whole period -> this is opposed to the graph

So I hope this could help you. Take your time and learn some basic writing techniques. When I first immersed myself in IELTS writing my essay was no good than yours and now I've made significant progress. So keep trying!
OP minh2310 1 / 3  
Aug 21, 2017   #4
thank you for helping me a lot @Holt and @hgianghgiang
I have to spend more time on writing as much as I can to improve the quality of essays.


Home / Writing Feedback / [TASK 1] Consumption of fish and different kinds of meat in a European nation