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Contemporary life prevent people from developing into strong and independent individual - Gre Issue


Ninad09 1 / 1  
Aug 22, 2014   #1
Q. Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

The luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life prevent people from developing into teuly strong and independent individuals.
In asserting that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals, the speaker fails to acknowledge the fact that there are people who come out of such life to become independent citizens. Nevertheless, I agree with the statement to a certain extent that such luxuries have made individuals take less efforts to reach a goal in one's life.

First, the individuals have been showered upon by their elders with various goods and facilities. Parents want their children to be the best amongst the group so they provide them with clothes and gadgets that are jaw-droppingly expensive. They want to show others that they can provide their children everything that is available. For example, provide young children with xbox or playstation or ipod touch. These gadgets are all avoidable and also they are of not much use to these young children other than wasting their time instead of using it to do something productive.

Secondly, when you see elders providing you with so many expensive stuffs, you lose the interest to work hard to gain anything. The desire to work hard to be achieve a goal is reduced as the possibility of money giving a helping hand comes into the consideration for these children. For example, individuals in previous years used to work hard to gain admission in a reputed college of choice. But nowadays, they know what money can buy, i.e, a seat in any college of choice for a particular amount of money paid. Hence the idea of individuals standing up for themselves is thrown out of the window.

However, it is not always the case. Individuals with strong will-power or focus will always stand up against the odds. The main factor is the motivation in them to do when. The moment when the motivation and focus is lost, the individual will lose the plot. The case of the famous cricketer, Asif Khan is one example of the latter and the case of the world renowned footballer, Cristiano Ronaldo is the example of the former. Considering the case of Asif, he was lured by the riches and the luxuries that money provides into match fixing. The assumption that money is above everything and the fact that it can be gained without much effort resulted in him getting engulfed into the fixing racket and once inside there is no way out of it. As a result of this he had no way back and eventually was caught. Whereas the case of Ronaldo is an inspirational one with constant hard work and determination to prove he is the best. Even after being showered with money for his wonderful play, he has never lost his focus and work ethic for which he is lauded all over the world.

In sum, although the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life prevent people from developing into strong and independent individual, it is the will power, focus and the determination of the individuals that will result in them being the cream of the crop.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 23, 2014   #2
Nevertheless, I agree with the statement to a certain the extent that such luxuries have made individuals take exert less efforts effort to reach their goals a goal in one's life .

I made some corrections above. You also can say: I agree with the statement to a certain extent, because such luxuries...

You have good 'structure' in your writing. It's good that the paragraphs start with sentences that introduce the main idea of the paragraph. H

Develop a habit of checking for 'number agreement' when you write. That means you make sure the verb is conjugated correctly based on whether the noun is singular or plural: The moment when the motivation and focus is are lost, the individual will lose the plot. I think 'plot' is not the right word to use here. You could replace it with this: ...will lose focus.

The main factor is the motivation in them to do when.----This sentence is not right. I guess the best way to change it is to take away the unnecessary words. The main factor is the motivation. in them to do when

has never lost his focus and work ethic for which ---This sentence is already well-written, but it will sound a little better if you use 'the' --- ...never lost the focus and work ethic for which...
dunguyen 9 / 19 6  
Aug 23, 2014   #3
Hi,

Personally I think the overall flow is coherent and acceptable, but the examples are not specific and convincing enough. As a reader, I feel it to be too general and they do not strongly support your position for the statement. E.g. You mentioned the use of xbox and playstation in young people, but this does not mean they are not going to become independent individuals. Also, I think the GRE issue always wants us to take one particular position, not sway to both sides of the issue like yours because that would mitigate the cogency of your reasoning. Like your instance with Ronaldo, he surely has a luxurious and convenient life with his money, but he is still a strong individual. This is completely in contrast to your first two examples.

Hope this helps,
D.
Iyeshaferguson 5 / 11  
Aug 24, 2014   #4
I agree with the other commenters, the essay is great in itself but try to go into specifics on your topic to give your reader a better example, because I feel it's too general.
OP Ninad09 1 / 1  
Aug 25, 2014   #5
Thank you for your feedback @iyeshaferguson @EF_Kevin @dunguyen
@dunguyen Are u sure that in a GRE issue topic only one side must be taken..??
pinaksalvekar 2 / 2  
Aug 25, 2014   #6
nice essay, examples should be more clear.


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