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Essay about the contrast between current generation and my parents generation - IELTS

ahmed_kishk 1 / -  
Feb 11, 2018   #1
Topic: Contrast people of your age with those of your parents' generation. Think about beliefs, values,
goals, traditions, language, etc.

New and Old Generation

English is the common language spoken in the US, but do all people from different ages speak the same language? What this means is does differently in generation creates a new language? Yes, it does. People of my generation and those of my parents have different beliefs, values, languages and life goals.

One of the major differences between the two generations is the life goals and definition of success. Current generation defines life goals as having a successful career. They believe it is more important to be successful at work than thinking about the family. They even don't consider having a family unless making a big advancement in their career. On the other hand, old generation goals focus more on the family. They always see family as number one priority in their life. For example, my father was always keen to build a strong family connection between us by giving most of his time to spend it with us. Therefore, basically current and old generation are really different in their life goals.

Another difference between the two generations of people is their language. The current generation is more exposed to various cultures with different languages. These young people learned new vocabulary and expressions that were not in the time of old generation. With the existence of the internet and satellites, every day the young generation introduce new vocabulary to the old language. However, old generation didn't have this exposure to the outside world. They used their language without introducing new expressions or words. They didn't have the current varieties of communication like internet and satellite. The current and old generation can't, sometimes, understand each other even if they speak the same language.

Current and old generation are also different in life values. For example, current generation cares more about collecting precious stuff. They are more materialistic than the old generation. These young people always dream about having an expensive car, branded watch and up to date clothes. On the other hand, old generation's values were more into authenticity. They didn't consider possessing expensive stuff is essential for them. These old people care more about real person values. Current and old generation have a complete difference in definition of life values.

To summarize, at some point all people are similar; however, the difference in generation create a difference in several aspects. People need to study these differences and to take the benefits from both generations.
Jimmy879873 26 / 55 13  
Feb 11, 2018   #2
Hi Ahmed, I believe you had made a mistake in typing the first paragraph as the first two sentences are most likely to be another IELTS task 2 question. Even if I disregard those two sentences, you would still fail for having a better score in the first paragraph as task 2 writing would require you to paraphrase the topic and indicate your intention of writing this essay whenever is necessary. Providing half of the original prompt to us, we cannot accurately review your essay in a proper manner. Apart from that, you have good reasonings. But I can see you repeated some phrases or words like 'on the other hand', maybe try to use 'in contrast' or 'on the contrary' etc to avoid this issue. Also, current generation is not the right word to use because current does not contrast to old, the more appropriate word would be 'new generation'.

Hope that helps.
PeterBrown 16 / 25 6  
Feb 11, 2018   #3
In addition to what Jimmy said, I would to point out the fact the essay is around 404 words. Remember quality over quantity. I have seen a myriad of essays which have less words than that and are still band 8 or even 9. I would say the optimal amount of words for this type of essay is between 270 to 280 words, much less than what you are presenting us here with; a 4-paragraph essay should be fine, no need to add another one.

Also, I reckon asking question in this kind of essay is inappropriate, as your job is to answer questions, not asking them.
I also notice the excessive use of abbreviations like don't instead of do not.
Overall, this is certainly not a bad essay, some minor changes would be needed if you aim for a higher score.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,197 4313  
Feb 11, 2018   #4
ahmed, your essay has a very strong presentation when it comes to the actual discussion. You show a thorough understanding of the prompt requirements in relation to the direct discussion method. However, you lack a proper presentation for your opening statement and concluding statement. In an IELTS essay, the most important scoring aspects are the opening and closing sections because these are the two criteria upon which your Task Accuracy / English comprehension and expression skills are scored. That is why I have a problem with these two sections in your essay.

In the first paragraph, you created a prompt deviation, a very serious error in your presentation which could have totally failed your essay had you not been able to recover from it within your body paragraphs. By posing 2 separate questions that seemingly do not relate to the given original argument, you could have ended up focusing your discussion on a response to your posed questions instead. Luckily that did not happen in this case and it should not happen at all in the future. That is why you are always advised to avoid posing questions as part of your discussion. That is the only way to avoid a prompt deviation. You must always be focused only on responding to the given instructions, nothing more. So no questions looking for responses in your future essays alright? Simply stick to restating the discussion you were provided in your own understanding. That is where the TA regarding English comprehension is considered.

Now, in relation to your closing statement, I noticed that you chose to go with run-on sentences through the use of semicolons and commas. Avoid doing that as well. You are being judged on your ability to create complete paragraphs, composed of 3-5 sentences in the C&C section, run-on sentences prevent you from doing that. Additionally, Your ability to develop proper simple and complex sentences are limited by the existence of run-on sentences. That is why your GRA score will also be affected. Finally, just summarize your discussion in the closing statement. Recap the previous prompt and its salient discussion points. Don't introduce new information as you did here because that is not allowed in the closing summary. Doing so will limit your ability to increase your ability to prove that you have an analytical mind that can pick out the important information to presentation to the reader. This will affect your TA score as well.

By the way, you are also being scored on your ability to properly write an academic essay. That is why the requirement for the Task 2 essay is a minimum of 250 words with no maximum, although I advice writing only 250 words in order to leave ample time for the editing issues involved in finalizing the quality of your written content. You should also begin to practice the required 5 paragraph essay for the Task 2 test. The 4 paragraph essay is only acceptable in the Task 1 presentation as that is an analytical essay that does not require a conclusion. Your Task 2 essay requires the following information for proper and maximum scoring considerations:

1. Introduction
2. 3 body paragraphs that follow the discussion instructions
3. A concluding statement that summarizes the discussion

The aforementioned format for the writing of the Task 2 essay is standard. Write less than 5 paragraphs and you will be scored down for not completely representing your arguments. You will be able to meet the minimum word requirement by writing a minimum of 3 sentences per paragraph, write 5 sentences and you will certainly go over the word requirement and be considered for the higher score band in each instance.
Ulfaidrus_flip 5 / 5 1  
Feb 16, 2018   #5
You use too many words, it will be hard for you to write it in the limited time. For each body paragraph, it would be better if you:

1.Write the main idea in the beginning or/and end of the paragraph.
2. Give clear reasons for every main idea.
3. Give relevant examples if needed

You also can give a general suggestion for your last paragraph.
cmartinez13 1 / 2  
Feb 22, 2018   #6
Hello Ahmed, you want to try to stay away from the word basically, it is too general and is a filler word. Your sentence would have been fine w/out it. Also, would be better with more content. It speaks in generalities and you did not have any examples of the differences. This is a great topic, but it needs more to see what the differences are.

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