Hi all , l am new here
l am preparing for Ielts and this is my essay ,l hope l would receive comments and feedback from you all ,thank you so much !
jail time as a solution for crime
People have different views that whether imprisoning people longer in jails in a longer time or implementing other alternative ways is better to reduce crime rates. In my opinion, there are many measures that can be taken to mitigate this controversial issue.
On the one hand, prison will definitely an effective way to reduce crimes since it would act as a deterrent to people who have intention of committing crimes. To begin with, it may prevent wrongdoers from harming other citizens .This is understandable as during the time they are imprisoned, they are totally being isolated from society, likely being imprisoned in a remote area. Moreover ,they are highly suffering from torturing physical punishments every single days for their previous evil actions and therefore minimize the likelihood of re-offending actions .Another effect worth mentioning is their awareness is raised significantly through the moral lessons and meaningful activities taught in the jails
On the other hand, apart from using jails as punishments we have many other anti-measures to solve it. One of them is non-custodial sentence, a punishment which is not done in prison ,such as fines ,probation orders or community orders service orders .By doing this the authority give them the chance to discern their wrong actions and raise their awareness of not committing a crime. Furthermore, the government plays an important role to tackle the issue. This could be done by installing surveillance cameras in places with lots of criminal activities. One more potential approach is that famous people like movie stars should set a good example for young people to follow, which will eventually lead to decrease in juvenile delinquency.
In conclusion, despite the undeniable effectiveness of prisons, there are many other appropriate solutions can be adopted to ease such problems
Here are some of my suggestion:
- 'imprisoning people longer in jails
in a longer time'
- The main idea of your 1st body is that longer imprisonment will reduce crime rate because it deters the potential criminals from committing crimes. However, you explained why prisoners wouldn't re-commit illegal actions after serving in jail. This could be fixed by a slight rework of your topic sentence or a whole change in the supporting parts.
- The 2nd body should discuss why different approaches would lower the crime rate as opposed to long prison sentences. I think you only listed the alternative ways but not really answered the why.
Firstly, please review your usage of conjunctions, demonstratives, and punctuation. You may also utilize the oxford comma as much as you can as it improves how professional your writing is.
Let's look at your first paragraph. You can rephrase it as this:
The differing views regarding crime reduction juggle between long prison sentences or social alternatives. My opinion is that mitigation can be easy to control the issue at hand.
This is a more straightforward way to open your essay. It does two things: introduce the general problem and show your personal views regarding the possible solution.
Your second paragraph is filled with unnecessary words that lengthen it without adding content. This can be detrimental, especially if you're working within a word count. You can omit the fillers and transition words, ie. using "to begin with in the second sentence when you have already started with "on the one hand" is redundant. When you're transitioning in between sentences, make sure that you apply this same habit.
For instance, the third sentence in this paragraph can be phrased better as:
The day by day suffering caused by intensive physical punishments minimize the likelihood of re-offending.
These tips should as well be applied to your third paragraph. You should as well avoid introducing ideas in the last sentence of your paragraphs. This can cause a discrepancy in your essay. If you cannot expound on a thought, simply try to integrate it in the body - or you may as well opt to remove it.
Enhance your conclusion through adding an extensive critical analysis of the two points you have presented. Why is one more appropriate than the other? Introduce a criteria to justify your essay's claims.
oh such am amazing comment!
thank you, l will edit it : )
thank you so much ,l really appreciate your feedback
l will try to write more carefully