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The cool night breeze whistled softly, blowing lightly through my hair


maddy1579 1 / -  
Mar 3, 2015   #1
Can someone help me finish this?

The cool night breeze whistled softly, blowing lightly through my hair. The sky was a deep, clear blue and the moonlight reflected on people's windows. I could feel the stars smiling down at me. After the stifling heat of the day, I felt relieved. Glad to be free of the hot and stuffy classrooms in school, I was looking forward to going home. Yet, deep in my gut, I knew something was not right...

I twisted the handle on the old door but it was locked. That was strange. The door was always open when I got home. I try fumbling in my school bag for a key. A mass of homework bursts out and ends up in a heap on the floor. I sigh and pick it up. My key was where it usually was, so I shove it hardly into the cold metal and turn the handle.

Once safely in my room, I notice an old, rotting smell coming from just outside. I roll my eyes and tiredly get out of the bed. I was about to turn into my brothers (his names will) room to tell him off before I realise no one is here. I might as well go check. I slowly push the door open. His bead is neatly made and on his desk is his homework. I decided to check if he was doing his homework properly, but when I got there, it was a not. Addressed to me. I read it twice just to make sure what I had read was not some kind of mind game. It said "Help me sis! I'm scared! Someone is chasing me." My adrenaline rose to its maximum and I went pale. Then I remember nothing but dreaming about a monster...

I woke up to a knocking at the door. "Will!" I cried and ran to answer the door. I could see a silhouette by the glass. Within a few seconds it had gone. I flung the door open. "Will!" I cried out into the cold night air. The concrete was cold underneath my feet. I stepped into the front garden, the grass tickling my toes. I opened the gate, and slowly- very slowly- began to walk away from the abandoned house.

Soon I was running. I didn't know where to, all I knew was that there was somewhere I could be safe. A chill went down my spine. At the end of the road stood a figure dressed from head to toe in black. I began searching for a hiding place. Anywhere would do right now. I ended up crouching down behind a bush in someone's garden. Tears escaped my eyes. I had no one. I looked up, but the stars were no longer smiling down at me. They were evil looking, their points more like knives then delicate strokes. I looked down. I was ashamed. But when I looked further down the garden, I was nearly sick...

lynzee22 - / 90 37  
Mar 3, 2015   #2
You could go on and say that she was kidnapped by the same person chasing her brother and write about how they escape.
audley - / 3 3  
Mar 3, 2015   #3
I will say it was quite intriguing to read I thoroughly enjoyed it. I see great potential in this beginning.

One thing I suggest is to offer a smoother transition between the second and third paragraph. One minute you are opening a door and the next you are lying in bed. Perhaps something mentioning you climbing into bed would help; as I had to read the first few sentences of the third paragraph before I fully understood that you are now in your bed.

Other than that, I see multiple ways for this story to go. The first is that you could be dreaming this entire time. The second more interesting idea is that that you are the monster but don't know it. You go back and forth between realities not knowing you are actually what your brother is afraid of.

...a monster with sharp claws and jagged teeth. Though it somehow seemed all so familiar. Why though? I pondered this thought until I heard a scream from the kitchen...

Something like that to continually give hints to your audience that you are the monster. Just something to consider. Either way I look forward to hearing the rest. Cheers!
EF_Carol - / 145 39  
Mar 5, 2015   #4
What a good beginning! My husband and I love who-done-its! You remember nothing, but a monster? The monster obviously distracted your brother, with some premise, as monsters do. What was the premise? Where did he take him? Maybe the monster, if you want to be funny, was the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street, and he merely wanted to share a cookie with your brother, outside. Are you familiar with this character, from Sesame Street? Or maybe there is a hamburglar, and he took your brother to McDonald's, and make him buy him a burger and fries?

I think, the premise is quite scary, and you should finish it with a cute, humorous, monster, to let you audience, off the hook, to relax.

I write poetry, myself, and I often write about people I know. I think your strength, is in descriptive phrases, which are well done, and very well, thought out.

If you are implying, it was all a dream, then a fictitious, almost animated monster would be plausible, and that's what I suggest.
dquinlan11 - / 16 7  
Mar 7, 2015   #5
Hello maddy1579,
I'm having a little trouble following what's happening here. From what I can understand, the narrator is experiencing a dream at the beginning of the story, but then she chases someone away from the house, before hiding herself?

I'd suggest presenting a number of these sentences that "show" more than they "tell". For example,

"I twisted the handle on the old door but it was locked."
"The old door handle wouldn't budge"

"Once safely in my room, I notice an old, rotting smell coming from just outside."
"The stench of decay crept in from the hallway."

Does that help?


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