Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Cooperation and competition are imperative and children should master both of these skills

hailung 6 / 18 2  
Jul 9, 2017   #1
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adult. Discuss both these views and give your opinions.


While some are in favor of nourishing a competitive schooling environment, others hold the belief that children are more likely to be valuable team players when collaboration is cultivated. In my opinion, these skills are equally important and children will vastly benefit from sustaining a proper environment where both cooperation and competition are deliberately nurtured.

On the one hand, being competitive could bring about a number of advantages. Firstly, it helps bring out the best in children. In spite of criticisms regarding its rather catastrophic consequences on children physical and mental development, competition is an indispensable trait for those who thirst for triumphs in both sport and scientific fields. For example, if inventors had been content to sustain the status quote, steam locomotives would have been the only mean of long-distant transportation. Secondly, children are prone to develop critical social skills through competing with other students. Regardless of the result which is either win or loss, they will be able to learn the value of hard-work, strengthen their self-esteem and tenacity. More importantly, they would acknowledge that life is a series of ups and downs, and failure will not be the end of the world.

On the other hand, no one could deny the magnitude of cooperation. In addition to providing cooperative skills that are necessary later in their working lives, students also recognize that everybody has their own limitations. In other words, each of them is excellent in something but is dreadful at another thing and there is no mean to achieve success rather than working closely together. Moreover, collaborating helps ease pressure on kids, which is a major drawback caused by intense competition. A child who is lagged behind in math would benefit from the aid of their classmates in exchange for a free art lesson that he or she excels in. Consequently, students become more tolerant and proud of their aptitudes.

In conclusion, cooperation and competition are imperative and children would be best benefited from mastering both of them to the extent that a proper setting is promoted.

(341 words)


Please give me some pieces of advice and the band score I could reach

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,135 3271  
Jul 10, 2017   #2
Kenzin, this essay had the potential to become a 7 band piece of work. Due to some specific mistakes on your part, in terms of the presentation of your discussion, that potentially high score went down to a 5. Let me explain why this happened. For starters, you are only to paraphrase, that is, state in your own words and understanding, what the original prompt topic and discussion requirements were. Under the development rules for the paraphrased statement, you are not allowed to present a full discussion of your opinion in this section. Mostly because the paraphrasing should be completed in 5 sentences, maximum, which does not allow you to properly develop the personal opinion in the essay. That is to be presented as an accurate and fully developed / discussed paragraph within the body of the essay. It should be located within one of the 3 body paragraphs. Not the opening statement. It is this mistake that totally brought down your score. Additionally, it would be in your best interest to not use idioms such as "status quo" if you are not sure about how it is spelled or used in a sentence. If you don't use the word properly then the "big" words and terms will pull down your score due to inaccurate use in a grammar setting. That is what happened in this essay. I hope you can avoid these mistakes in the future.
OP hailung 6 / 18 2  
Jul 11, 2017   #3

Tks a lot bro. I really appreciate your help and thorough comments.

Home / Writing Feedback / Cooperation and competition are imperative and children should master both of these skills