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Cooperation between individual and global governments to cope with environmental problems

Tuan Anh 10c 2 / 4  
Dec 3, 2017   #1
Hi guys! Could you check my essay and give me a band ? Thanks in advance.

This is the topic: Nowadays environmental problems are too big to be managed by individual persons or individual countries. In other words, it is an international problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

one man in fight for environment isn't enough

Here is my essay:
In today's modern world, humans are constantly facing the environmental problems which are becoming more serious than ever. Some people argue that these problems are too large to be addressed by individuals and each country and global governments should be responsible for this. In my opinion,I strongly agree with the view that both of individuals and countries all over the world play an indispensable role in tackling these problems.

On the one hand, individuals can form some good habits to protect their surroundings. For example, they can bring along with them some recycled bags in order to cut down on the number of plastic bags being used every day. As a result, each person is actually contributing to reducing some environmental issues such as soil pollution caused by rubbish.

On the other hand, global governments' responsibilities in solving the environmental problems should be taken into consideration. For example, they are powerful enough to enforce some strict punishments on the emission of waste from factories directly into rivers. Besides, governments are able to launch a campaign to clean polluted inhabits, protect wildlife animals and raise social awareness. As a result, the environment will become much better and governments will definitely set a good example for young generations to follow.

In conclusion, it seems to me that the cooperation between individual and global governments is of great importance to coping with environmental problems.

ec2ez4rd 1 / 2  
Dec 3, 2017   #2
Hi Tuan:
Your essay has a clear structure. But there are still some points you can improve.
1. The 1st paragraph seems a template. It is OK if you can fill in more details. For example, you can add some specific examples after your first sentence, Like greenhouse effect, nuclear leaking and so on.

2. You should build a logic relationship between the good habits and environment protection. That is, bringing recycled bags can limit the use of plastic bags. Seas of plastic bags are hardly to resolve in the soil, further, crops cannot grow in a normal pace. That is harmful for human.

3. Some sentences are dumb. they can bring along with them some ... You can use some simple sentences instead of using a long one.
OP Tuan Anh 10c 2 / 4  
Dec 3, 2017   #3
thank you so much for spending your time ! I really appreciate it !
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,149 2303  
Dec 3, 2017   #4
Tuan, your opening statement is faulty. It does not offer an acceptable paraphrase of the original prompt because of the following reasons:

1. The topic sentence does not depict the appropriate topic sentence paraphrase from the original prompt;

2. You claim an argument is in play when nothing of the sort is indicated in the original prompt so that means you are deviating from the original discussion facts;

3. You are strongly agreeing with a statement that is not indicated anywhere in the original prompt.

Based on the above reasons, the essay will get only a TA score of 4, which will automatically lower the rest of the scoring considerations to the following points:

C&C - 3 - Due to lack of connected discussions between paragraphs. You need to improve upon your transition sentences between paragraphs in order to create a logical relationship between 2 different discussion topics.

LR - 5 - The simple vocabulary needs to be improved to at least an intermediate level in order to increase the scoring consideration. You only use basic words that can help you discuss what you wish to present.

GRA - 4 - The sentence structures are not complex enough to be considered an advanced writing skill representation. Mistakes in sentence formation and presentation are evident even though it does not confuse the reader.

A word of advice; when you wish to discuss 2 points of view in an emotional essay, you must represent a partial agreement in your opening statement. Here is a model opening paraphrase that is applicable to your discussion:

The environment is facing seemingly insurmountable problems these days. The common opinion is that these predicaments are far too large for only individual people to try and solve. They consider this dilemma a global problem. I tend to partially agree with this statement for a number of reasons. I shall be presenting these reasons for your consideration.

As for the discussion section, try to always present a complete 3 body of paragraphs in order to create a well developed and discussed essay. You tend to get a higher score when you write at least 4 complete paragraphs in the essay rather than 3. Also, don't forget that the conclusion can help to increase the TA score if written properly. Always summarize the discussion as best as you can and aim for 5 sentences in that presentation as well. Avoid single long sentence presentations because that will not help to improve your GRA scoring considerations.
OP Tuan Anh 10c 2 / 4  
Dec 3, 2017   #5
Thank you a million ! You are the best teacher I have ever met in my life ! I really appreciate it ! I will practice more to be better!

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