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Corrupt Hope: An argument for fighting corruption


twinkinstar 1 / 3 3  
Jan 8, 2014   #1
Please vet the essay. I need an unbiased and honest criticsm, whether favorable or otherwise.

What sort of creatures are we? Let me explain through reasoned illustrations so that you can get an inkling of what I am driving towards.

A man of a young age knows many things. He knows that the world is round & for most of the part, in today's laidback world, life goes on in circles. An incident he goes through, an event, a social situation, in which he goes through highs & low; he learns a number of things. It is but a natural cognitive response to learn from past mistakes by thinking what he could have done otherwise. And these lessons are then applied in subsequent social situations so as to result in a more favorable outcome. This is a basic tenet of logical thinking, cold & calculated as it must be, though sublime in nature & often sub-consciously applied. This is the bare bones of our cognitive process in the social context, our thinking, through which we learn. Of course, this being the general factor, another specific factor comes into the equation; our upbringing, from childhood to this moment. Different people from different societies often interpret the same event in different ways; for example, a man comes from a society where he is encouraged to speak out, to question; then people from unorthodox societies will admire him for his boldness & intelligence, while those from an orthodox society shall disapprove because of his perceived insubordination to elders who must know better. (It will be an interesting experiment to find whether any intelligence could evolve in strict isolation, if there is no context for it to compare things to.)

Now we have a rough understanding of how our cognitive process works in a social context, & know that people learn & evolve. But, then, what do you have to say to an intelligent being who commits the same mistakes again & again, even after knowing that the outcomes might not be favorable? Why do they do that? Is it a hope that they will get lucky eventually & their persistence would be paid off? Or is it the cynicism of an escapist, that there might be one time that their dumb luck would falter, they would finally die? What can we call these people; are they fools, junkies, geniuses or just plain ignorant that they tempt fate? But what if such a person is so because he lives by some principle we all agree is a good thing objectively (like love or more, realistically, a world free of corruption), but when it comes to subjective experience, we do not think before desecrating it? Why is it that people start shaking their heads at such a notion but secretly admire it & desire it? Why are they so afraid to hope? Hope is not brittle that we dole it out in rations. In it fact, it is the strongest emotion we have. Think about it. All of your actions can be traced back to hope, except those of course which are common through all creatures. Why does a lover calls out to his lover? Because he hopes to be heard. Why do people follow someone with a radically different idea, that is, at the end, not so different at all? Because they hope to be free.

We are all mired in a marsh of cynical skepticism. We despair of corruption & yet indulge in it at the earliest opportunity. Though even the bribe-takers do not love it, they still take bribes as if they lost their spine & the deluge of corruption has washed away their sense of ethics. Honest officials, elected or executive, have the annoying habit of disappearing, dying, becoming overnight kings of corruption or becoming weak as a mouse, who is supposed to be wiser now that he has seen the predator's claw & teeth. But still, we all wish it to end. That this backstabbing, gloating & disdainful corruption stops. That their children who might not be as high and mighty as them, will not face the same hurdles of vice that others face. That they won't have to come home slumped in despair & death in their hearts, with shattered dreams. That all will be good & that every person will work together to achieve this goal.

It is this soulful & heartfelt dream we all should aspire for, not merely pay lip service to, against all odds. For what odds can stand in the way of a person who dares to hope & holds on to it tightly. And after all, we can always hope to hope.
Bharu 1 / 1  
Jan 9, 2014   #2
Thanks for your feedback. I'll try to improve my writing skills.
I'm attempting to correct your essay as much as I can. I hope it's somehow useful to you.
Junkies-is very informal just use directly ' drug addict'. I think it is good to avoid informal usage.
Don't use so many rhetorical questions as you did in second paragraph.
I think your essay on "fighting against corruption" seems to be not included much information on topic except in third paragraph.

These are my suggestion. If looks worthy, follow them otherwise just ignore.
animecomics 1 / 1  
Jan 9, 2014   #3
I think ur trying to say that we all believe in ideals that come naturally to us and we might agree in a objective situation but not practice subjectively if this is along the lines of what ur trying to say then I think it can be better understood by the reader if u make these changes or changes along these lines:

organize and separate into paragraphs that have similar ideas in them like paragraphs after the 1st paragraph (which I liked and I think flowed to the next paragraph) your organization of ideas makes it confusing but ideas are good

when you have a string short sentences like: "In it fact, it is the strongest emotion we have. Think about it. All of your actions can be traced back to hope, except those of course which are common through all creatures. Why does a lover calls out to his lover? Because he hopes to be heard. Why do people follow someone with a radically different idea, that is, at the end, not so different at all? Because they hope to be free.

You can put paragraphs/ spaces in between so it has more impact so it stops the reader and they really think on what you have said, if that is what your trying to accomplish you should change it to some thing like this or delete some of the rhetorical questions:

"In it fact, it is the strongest emotion we have.
Think about it.
All of your actions can be traced back to hope, except those of course which are common through all creatures. Why does a lover calls out to his lover?

Because he hopes to be heard.
Why do people follow someone with a radically different idea, that is, at the end, not so different at all? Because they hope to be free."

Then i think you should include examples from life, news, personal to back up your argument, if the assignment allows.

Add 'raised' after diff. people so you connect it more to the previous sentence b/c the sentence after the one about up bring doesn't really connect 'different people' with the factor of their up bring:

"Of course, this being the general factor, another specific factor comes into the equation; our upbringing, from childhood to this moment. Different people "raised' in different societies often interpret the same event in different..."

I think the question marks that you have incite the reader to think but makes them think to hard at what your main point is if your gong to keep these you need to connect your ideas and explanations more as well as explain plainly what your main point is but not to plainly of course.

You can do something to this effect to make your point have more impact. I hope you found this useful in some way i tried my best and good luck on what ever this is for!


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