Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 9

[TOEFL] The Cost of Human Development

Borislav 6 / 20  
Mar 16, 2011   #1
Hello again :) I am still trying to improve my writing and simulate the test conditions as good as I can. Here is my last essay. I would appreciate any opinion you give to me. I haven`t edited it, so it is a rough piece.

42. Some people think that human needs for farmland, housing, and industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals. Do you agree or disagree with this point of view? Why or why not? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

The Cost of Human Development

In the course of evolution, many animal species have emerged and subsequently gone extinct. It is the natural flow of things, analyzed by Darvin`s works, and although it may be sad process to witness, it has been happening from the beginning of the time and it will continue, regardless of our intervention. Therefore, it is my firm belief that focusing on human race`s needs is more urgent.

To begin with, in order to expand human population and generate progress we are forced to occupy new lands. A good example of that is Canada`s greatest asset - the natural forests, which are in abundance. They serve also as a habitat for a number of wild beasts, but what would have happened if Canadians have decided to keep the woods from chopping? Sure, animals would have continued living in their natural environment, but at the cost of country`s development.

Secondly, how are we supposed to save any land when the land itself is scarce for our own expanding population? Roads and town are built in the jungles of Amazonia, endangering a great amount of animals and plants. But when we are presented with the tough decision to choose between our own race's prosperity and animals' well-being, the outcome can be easily predicted. As it has been stated in Hamlet, "one has to be cruel only to be kind".

It is not beyond anybody`s comprehension what would have taken place if we had not used large plants for farming. Human race would be bounded to starvation, because the natural suitable land for that purposes is not enough. The task of utilizing big areas for growing food is not an easy one and one of the reasons is that by doing so, we have to deprive already endangered species from their life conditions. Even if we leave farming aside, the same process is building dams, causing whole rivers to become unsuitable for fish, naturally living in them.

It is not easy to finish with the statement that human's needs are more important than animals', but it is the bitter truth. Our demand, caused by the growing of our population, gives us no other option but to take the necessary measures, even if they are bounding animals to extinction. And on the other side - why to mess with Divine`s natural way of things? One species would be gone, but another would take its place.

(30 min)

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Mar 16, 2011   #2
Therefore, it is my firm belief that focusing on human race`s needs is more urgentimportant .

A good example of that is that Canada`s greatest asset - the natural forests, which are in abundance.

You write so well. I enjoyed reading your essay although I hold a different perception to this issue. You have a very interesting style of writing/ I'm sure you'll have a great score for TOEFL writing. GOOD LUCK!!
jumpingjack 1 / 6  
Mar 16, 2011   #3
Human becomes a pain for animals. Human needs a space to live and also for his development. Human started building new communities, societies, shopping complex and business empires. To fulfill the requirement of increasing population, he started destroying the trees which lead to damage to the habitats of animals. Animals habitats are no longer exist. I disagree with the point of view that human needs for farmland, housing, and industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals.

Human started destroying trees. As a result, animals' habitats are no longer available. Animals started entering the human developed areas. For example, I often see a group of monkeys in my society and they harrass people. They always come for searching food. Sometimes, they become offensive during monson time if someone tries to drive them out. They do not have space to get protection from rain. Trees deforestation also affect the small aminals badly. Like dogs and pigs. Due to human development, some spicies or animals are about to disappear or already disappeared. Some animals spieces become history for animal nature.

Due to deforestation, animals have problem in finding their daily food. Sometimes, I see a cow searching for vegetation to eat. If it fails to find its food, it will eat plastic or paper waste which is bad for its health.

Human also started developing his house on water which results into water pollution. Fish and other water creatures often feel disturbance from presence of human in water. I have spend some days on house boat built in the lake. I realized that fishes had been disappeared in that lake because of water pollution in lake due to mismaintained by human.

To sum it up, human should reserve some land for animals which help them to live safely and convenient to find food. Also reserved land allow them to move freely.

Word count - 311
Need feedback.
I have formatted some words in bold which are detected under word processor because of incorrect words or wrong spelled.
According to you, how much should I get ?? Out of 5.
OP Borislav 6 / 20  
Mar 16, 2011   #4
Dude, I can't really see how your essay is related to my topic, but being the large-hearted guy that I am, here's my opinion:

-try to avoid repetition at least a little. I have the same problem and I can see how using the same words over and over again just makes your writing inferior. Replace nouns with pronouns, try to find synonyms.

-It would be good to master using compound sentences. For instance, Like dogs and pigs. just sounds awkward.
-Give more attention to topic development. I see you are familiar with widely used 5-paragraph structure, which is good. Don't just continue with the same topic in successive paragraphs.

-Keep eye on verbs agreement.

I have no idea what grade you deserve :)
jumpingjack 1 / 6  
Mar 16, 2011   #5
Thanks Brislav for feedback. Yeah, I have a problem with idea generation. Therefore, I can not write my essay effectively. I do not know what should I do to improve? So, I can express topic better.

Thanking You
OP Borislav 6 / 20  
Mar 17, 2011   #6
This is a common problem among all of us I think. I don`t have a clue on what should you do to amend, but I can tell you what I do - a lot of reading, both in my native language and in English. The topics should be versatile, don`t border yourself to only what you find interesting. I also meet scores of obstacles while writing, especially when I have to write on an unfamiliar subject, and that`s why you probably want to broaden your basic knowledge. The more you know, the better you are :)
taylor kong 5 / 8  
Mar 17, 2011   #7
i will taking toefl test! so i just read your essay. although i have little different opinion from yours, but i think that your essay is good as entire.

i think you reading more passages and use a detail as possibly as you can to support your ideas, such as statistics or personality example and etc.

in the end of paragraph, use a conclusion sentence to supporting your idea again.
good luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Mar 20, 2011   #8
Dude, I can't really see how your essay is related to my topic, but being the large-hearted guy that I am, here's my opinion:

Ha ha, excellent. This made me laugh aloud embarrassingly in a quiet cafe.

Jumping Jack, I don't know why you are hijacking other people's threads instead of creating your own, but I suspended your membership. Please contact us if you think I made an error or if you want to become a member again. If you participate, start a new thread for each of your essays. :-)

Borislav, I am not helping you! You need no help. Your English is just as good as mine, and you do not need to worry about the toefl. You should be working on writing a book or article, because you are very skilled and ready for the next level of writing. :-)
OP Borislav 6 / 20  
Mar 21, 2011   #9
Well, Kevin, thank you again for encouraging me :) It means a lot to me, since I am all self-educated and only God and I know how hard is it for me to put together a sentence. I will continue exercising on essay writing, because I want the best score, so I hope I`m going to both improve and get constructive feedback.


Home / Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] The Cost of Human Development