You need to better reference your restatement of the 2 ideas that were provided. Long sentences such as these lack clarity and are difficult for the reader to follow. Where 2 topics are provided, use 2 seperate sentences to allow for a better understanding of the written text. One for each idea. As for your agreement with the latter view, an establishment of your supporting reason /s is /are necessary for a strong thesis presentation.
accepted the same-sex marriage and premarital cohabitation
This is not relevant to the business and cultural contacts discussion. You need to further expand the discussion to create a connection or use a simple and easily relevant example instead.
I am of opinion tha
You immediately jumped to your personal opinion, avoiding a paragraph explaining the public point of view regarding national identity You will only receive a partial score due to an incomplete discussion presentation. This may pull your score down to a failing level.