some youngsters choose to live away from parents
In many countries around the world young people decide to leave their parents' home once they finish school. They start living on their own or sharing a home with friends. Do you agree or disagree with this approach? Give your opinion.
Self-dependent is nowadays a trend observed in many countries where the youngster after finishing their school leave their hometown to another region of the world to become motivated, independent and can stand on their feet. In my opinion, I completely agree with this approach and in details are discussed in the following paragraphs.
Firstly, the approach of living independently makes us confident, strong enough to face the world challenges, living without parents allow people to understand the real world and an opportunity to learn things themselves. Take for an example, In India, most students after finishing their school life tend to move abroad leaving behind their families to acquire higher studies and better job possibilities to grab as much as the knowledge they can from the world.
Secondly, Living alone or with friends provide the platform for the youngster to have an independent decision in critical situations and teaches a lot to the person about his decision-making capabilities and teaches about the human behaviour, such as dealing with other people around you independently, taking medical care of your ill roommate and helping your friend in assignments, creating shared values with friends and neighbour are beneficial and memorable for the young generation to have a good human touch.
In conclusion, allowing a youngster to live away from the parent is a very hard decision but it has a fruitful output and teaches their children to understand the real world and build up their self-confidence and make them stand on their feet.
In my opinion, you can use some sentence connectors to connect your sentences. for example:
... confident and strong ... challenges as living without ...
... has a fruitful output . It is not only to teach their children to ... world but also to build up ...
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Chuni, your sentence lose cohesiveness and coherence because you are writing run-on sentences in every paragraph. Overly long sentences that have at least 2 independent topics being presented in each discussion. This creates a confusing presentation for your reader, who has a hard time keeping track of your information. You cannot keep using commas to connect your independent sentences. You must use periods in the appropriate places in order to create clarity and coherence in your presentation. Most of your essays turn into unwarranted ramblings because of the extremely long sentence presentations. It appears to not make sense to the reader because the reader cannot keep track of what is being said per sentence.
However, you have presented a very strong discussion and line of reasoning in support of your opinion. You will score better in that respect. It would have been even better, if you had just discussed your top 3 reasons with supporting information instead of this type of essay. When you try to include too much information per paragraph, it becomes confusing and does not allow the reader time to breath and actually comprehend what you have to say. That is why the IELTS essay test requires only 1 completely explained reason per paragraph. You have 3 paragraphs with which to present 3 connected reasons for your discussion. Connect the paragraphs using transition words, phrases and sentences instead of misplaced commas.
Your current presentation prevented you from properly developing simple and complex sentences that would have been useful in increasing your scores. Instead, your lack of control over sentence and paragraph development has resulted in score deductions for you. Please remember that short sentences using simple and complex presentations score more than extremely long sentences. You are allowed to present between 3-5 sentences per paragraph. Use the sentence count wisely. Misuse can spell a failing score in the GRA section.
Overall, this essay has good reasoning but a very bad presentation. Focus more on meeting the Task 2 essay requirements in your next essay. You have a good grasp of the English language that allows you to be understood, even with grammatical and lexical errors. So you are something right :-)