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As countries develop, their populations tend to live individually or in small family units.


Topic:
As countries develop, their populations tend to live individually or in small family units.
In your opinion, what is this cause and what are the effects on the society?


individualism and nuclear families



It is true that nowadays, the more countries develop, the more their citizens tend to live individually or in nuclear families. This phenomenon has affected the society in various ways, and in my opinion, there are both positive and negative effects.

There are a variety of reasons why members of modern society support this trend. Firstly, marriage might undergo some unexpected things such as divorce, domestic violence, and huge costs to bring children up, which creates fear of getting married amongst the young generation. Therefore, the youths lean toward the idea of individualism instead of collectivism. Another important factor that contributes to the trend is the generation gap. In other words, different opinions between the young and the old would be the main culprit of unnecessary conflict, which can act as a catalyst for stressful family environment.

On the one hand, this development can be extremely positive. That there would be a decline in population growth rate will help to prevent fierce competition that is the breeding ground of social unrest and political instability. Furthermore, as living in small families, parents will take better care of their children who will be the future pillars of the nation. On the other hand, the shortage of young workforce is the negative consequence that can be anticipated. As a result, we will likely to witness an unsustainable growth in economic and general prosperity of the countries in the future.

In conclusion, individualism and nuclear families have impacted many aspects of the society by both its benefits and drawbacks.

I really appreciate any help. Thank you.

Sep 10, 2017   #2
Jun, in terms of grammatical presentation, you know just enough English vocabulary to create coherent, but not necessarily cohesive, sentences. Your ideas are presented in a manner that the reader can understand, even though the grammar is not perfect. The degree of English writing skill you display is intermediate, which is a good thing. The intermediate level means that you are able to present simple to complex sentences a few times in the essay. However, the fact that you are not focused on developing only one idea for representation in each paragraph means that you did not fully utilize these writing skills of yours.

The lack of cohesiveness in the presentation, due to the numerous topics being discussed per paragraph, caused a faulty development of ideas. You did not manage to fully discuss and explain your line of reasoning per paragraph. It would be best if you focused less on informing the reader using numerous examples and instead, focus on fully developing one or two pieces of evidence in individual paragraphs. That way, the paragraph becomes both coherent and cohesive. You have 3 body paragraphs within which to do this so I suggest you fully utilize the opportunity to do so. Presenting a solidly developed 5 paragraph essay will be beneficial to you because such a presentation will garner you a higher final scoring consideration.

In relation to that, I have to say that your first paragraph paraphrase needs more work. It is not a very accurate representation of all the instructions from the original prompt. It would have been better presented as:

Developing countries tend to have smaller family units these days. There is a tendency for people to live either alone or with a nucleus family instead. I believe that there are 2 major reasons for this development. In this essay, I will shed light on those 2 reasons, as well as the possible results that these new family units have on our society.

The above representation is more aligned with the original prompt discussion and allows the reader to get a better idea of what topics will be discussed, why it will be discussed, and how it will be discussed. This would indicate a higher level of English thinking and writing on your part.

The concluding paragraph needs to be more than one sentence. Try to write at least 3 sentences in each paragraph because you are trying to impress the examiner with your English writing and grammar abilities. That is not well represented when you only write one sentence. The better you write in multiple short sentences, the better your chance of a better grammatical score.
I think you are aware of arranging ideas by using firstly, secondly but it fails to connect all those things. From my experience, your conclusion is too short, you need to write one or two more sentences


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