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Nowadays, there are some countries where the number of young adults is larger than elderly people

lipolipo 2 / 2 1  
Jul 22, 2018   #1
At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Younger or older societies - which better?

My essay :

Nowadays, there are some countries where the number of young adults is larger than that of older people. And about these countries, there have been a controversial debate between some people who insist that such countries have more advantages than disadvantages and others who believe that they will undergo more disadvantages than advantages. I agree with the former opinion for the following reasons in spite of some drawbacks.

Those who are worried about drawbacks of relatively smaller number of older people in some countries argue that disadvantages from this situation are significantly harmful. Since older people learned how to live in the smart ways earlier than young adults, the lack of older people means the absence of opportunities to get precious knowhow of life from older people. As a result, it would cause more frequent possible mistakes all over the country. Furthermore young adults would have difficulty preserving their traditions without the enough number of older people to help them learn about traditions. Because tradition is spiritual directions leading a country, without it, people would suffer from predicament where they lose their identity.

Despite those disadvantages, it seems to me that many young adults could bring profound changes to improve their country more than older people. First of all, younger people have the strength from the physical respect. That is they can contribute to the nation by offering their physical labor which older people are relatively hard to provide. For example, if some countries need reconstruction of social infrastructures because of natural disaster, younger people would be considerably important human resources to succeed in reconstruction quickly. Additionally young people are easier to absorb new knowledges and values compared to older people, a country dominated by younger people can deal with the recent global changes more efficiently. Therefore the advantages should be considered more importantly than the disadvantages when the number of young generation is larger than that of old generation.

To sum up, even though lack of old generation would result in some disadvantages, in my opinion, having the larger number of young generation in a country has more advantages.

minhthu 1 / 3  
Jul 22, 2018   #2
First of all, this essay seems to be too long. If it is the IELTS writing task 2, you must ensure that you write it in 40 minutes with the appropriate number of words.

Secondly, there has been some errors of your writing such as:

1. ... is larger than that of older people.
2. And about these countries...
3. others who believe that they will ... (it repeats words of a previous sentence) -> others who have the contrast opinion.
4. ... the physical respect that they can contribute ... labor which while older people ...

In addition, you can use synonyms of "advantage" and "disadvantage". Avoiding using these words a lot of times in the essay.
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,183 2314  
Jul 23, 2018   #3
Lipo, writing 350 words without proof reading and editing the content of your essay before submission tells me that one of two things occurred while you were writing this essay:

1. You did not use a timer and decided to simply keep writing in the hopes that you will create a high scoring discussion essay.
2. You used a timer but ran out of time to proof read, edit, and revise due to the number of words that you wrote.

While I do not care which of the two situations resulted in your writing 350 words, I do care that you showed a carelessness in writing about this topic. The biggest mistake that the test taker can make is to focus solely on writing for the sake of writing. The reviewer doesn't care about the number of English words you know about. He only cares that you can make yourself understood in written English. That is why the minimum word requirement of 250 was created. If you want to show off your vocabulary skills, don't write more than 275 - 300 words so that you will have to perfect the essay through the review process. Use a timer and make sure you complete your draft with at least 10-15 minutes to spare for editing time.

You created good arguments for each discussion point. However, you overthought the reasoning aspect. Stick to one topic per paragraph so that you do not write too many words that cut into your all too important editing time. All of your reasoning paragraphs are sound, but comes across as under discussed because the second reasoning that you present is not fully threshed out for the reader to consider. Just stick to writing no more than 5 sentences based on a single topic. That is the best way to approach the writing of this type of essay.

Now, since you are not being asked for a personal opinion in this essay, you should not make any first person references in the discussion such as "In my opinion". Instead, you should say something like "All things considered" or "weighing the advantages and disadvantages, it appears that..." or something similar. Never make a personal representation unless specifically asked to do so in the essay.

In academic writing the word "Because" is not used to start a sentence as this is a connecting word. It can only be used in the middle of a sentence or after a comma. Do not use that word to start an academic discussion. You can only use "because" in any area within a written presentation if you are writing a casual or informal essay that does not follow strict academic and professional writing rules.

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