Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 14

IELTS-In some countries, the old age is more valued, while in some countries the youth


tiyuok 4 / 16  
Nov 22, 2013   #1
Hi, i came across this website which i found it very useful. Below is IELTS composition of my friend and I. We wrote less than 40 minutes. Response greatly appreciate! Feel free to give me any comments

In some countries, the old age is more valued, while in some countries the youth is more valued. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

My writing:

In comparison with the old and the youth, some culture believes the old age is worthier, however, others consider the youth deserve more youth. Both of which needs a discussion.

In terms of the old people, apparently, there are more experienced than the youth. Which is the most important reason for companies preferential the old than the young people. Survey made by an financial magazine showed that the multinational companies are likely to hire old age rather than the young people because the old with full of experience are more trustworthy. However, they draw less attention to the young people because who are easy to make more mistakes.

However, the youth have the advantages while the old are lacking of, someone argued. For example, young people are tending to be of somewhat creativity while the old people are more likely to obey their experience, thus the youth will come out with more creative new idea to meet the need of marketing when develop a new project. Moreover, the youth are more ambitious for who are always lacks of money and authorities. Therefore, they will be hardworking in fight for their future in order to win the promotion, leading to a sense of competition among their ages, consequently, bring the profit to company.

As for as I concern, all ages, either youth or old, are donating their contribution to the society. So both of which are value and deserve our respect and attention.

My friend's wrighting:

Different countries have different values of old age and young man. Someone believe that the elderly, who are wise and experienced, have made a great contribution to our society. While in some countries, the position of teenagers are paid attention to as they are considered to be the further of a country.

There are few question on which the old age have many advantage in work experience. Statistics in the labor market indicate that in the mechanical industry, the employer prefer employ the elderly making higher level of production more efficient rather than young man. In most cases, old man will make less mistakes than the youth as they have done the work for many times. The company do not have to train these experienced employees.

However, in some high-tech field such as internet and computer science, young people are becoming popular. New technology is emerge everyday, the youth have more energy to learn these knowledge. Admittedly, they are good at in doing innovation jobs. For another reason, the workload in many computer company is very heavy, some old man may not adapt to the heavy work.

My view is that both old age and the youth should be valued. The difference is that they should be assigned different jobs to satisfied their ability. For old man, they could be asked to train new employees how to do job efficiently. For young people, they should undertake some heavy work.
gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Nov 22, 2013   #2
First of all, why are you posting your friend's work on his behalf. It may be confusing to proofread two writings in a single thread.

So I suggest to post the second writing in another thread.

Your writing needs improvement to a large extent. I am not sure if its because you wrote it in a short span of time. But as a reader,

I came across a lot of distractions like incorrect spelling, wrong usage of articles and words. If you just started writing, try to initially
target a writing which could yield you a high remark regardless of time. Eventually you will learn to write faster and better. Do some
reading to improve your grammar.

hope this helps...
OP tiyuok 4 / 16  
Nov 22, 2013   #3
Thank you so much for your suggestion and comments. Acctually, i am going to paticipate the IELTS exam at 30. November. So, I have juse a short time to improve my wrighting and I have to restrict the time to 36 minutes.

Can you specify what is the problem of wrong usage of articles and words . I can't find out it myself. Hope you can give me some detailed instruction!
gtamani 6 / 14  
Nov 23, 2013   #4
tiyuok
Here are some mistakes
the youth deserve more youth
there are more experienced than the youth
Which is the most important reason for companies preferential the old than the young people.
Survey made by an financial magazine
young people because who are easy to make more mistakes.
For example, young people are tending to be of somewhat creativity
the youth are more ambitious for who are always lacks of money and authorities
OP tiyuok 4 / 16  
Nov 23, 2013   #5
Hi, gtamani, thanks again! I correct them below. Could you help me check if any mistakes?

1, the youth deserve moreyouth the youth deserve more worth
2, there are more experienced than the youth:
they are more experienced than the youth
3, Which is the most important reason for companiespreferential the old than the young people.:
Which is the most important reason why companies prefer the old than the young people.
4, Surveymade by an financial magazine:
what is wrong with made?
5, young people because who are easy to make more mistakes.
young people because they are easy to make more mistakes.
6, For example, young people are tending to be of somewhat creativity
For example, young people are tending to be of much creativity
7, the youth are more ambitiousfor who are always lacks of money and authorities
the youth are more ambitious than the old because they are always lacks of money and statue
gtamani 6 / 14  
Nov 23, 2013   #6
tiyuok
Survey made by an financial magazine:
Survey conducted is better
young people are tending to be of much creativity
People tend to be more creative.
People are being more creative.
People are more creative.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Nov 23, 2013   #7
In comparison with the old and the youth, some culture believes the old age is worthier, however, others consider the youth deserve more youth. Both of which needs a discussion.

This introduction more work with regard to its structure if you are keen on earning a good score. I am going to quote what dumi suggests for the structure of your intro.
OP tiyuok 4 / 16  
Nov 24, 2013   #8
Hi, Pahan, thank you for your kindly suggestion. But i am really confused that how to apply your steps into a certain argument .
If you write this topic, how will you give your introduction? Could give me your example on this topic? That can give me some inspiration. Thanks again!
gtamani 6 / 14  
Nov 24, 2013   #9
Here is how I would write:
It is true that elderly members are highly valued in some society, whereas in others they are not. In this essay, I will argue that valuing both at young and elderly members is of utmost importance for societal well being.
asmy 3 / 7 3  
Nov 24, 2013   #10
Your writing:

Some culture believes the old age...

believe

an financial magazine

a financial magazine

Your friend's writing:

there are few question

questions

they should be assigned different jobs to satisfied

satisfy
gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Nov 25, 2013   #11
well here are some of your mistakes:

In comparison with the old and the youth

the old and the young in comaprison

some cultures believesthat the old age

others consider the youth deserve more youth.

wrong words..

Survey made by an financial magazine

articles...

that the multinational companies are likely

articles..

the variation of your vocabulary is very minimal,try to go for synonyms like elderly, aged, minors, teens, children

hope this helps...
OP tiyuok 4 / 16  
Nov 26, 2013   #12
Hi, Pahan,
I want to consult you a troublesome problem:

"Both of which need a discussion ." or " i will analyse it in my essay " or other similarities are extemely boring to give an end in my first paragraph. However, my tutor suggested me not to present a personal opinion at the first paragraph regarding to this topic: " discuss both points of the view " .

so i wonder what should i say to replace "i will analyse it in my essay"?

looking forward to your instruction and thank you in advance!
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Nov 26, 2013   #13
Hmmmmm.... good question and tricky too :D
However, your prompt says

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

... So, in this I feel there is no harm in expressing your opinion in the introduction itself and then discuss both views in support of your opinion.

First of all, why are you posting your friend's work on his behalf. It may be confusing to proofread two writings in a s

Yes, you should open another thread for this essay if you intend to receive comments for that. As per forum rules you can have only one essay per thread :)
OP tiyuok 4 / 16  
Nov 26, 2013   #14
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Hi, Dumi, my tutor insist that Discuss both views and give your own opinion means you should discuss and then give your own opinion, instead of giving your own opinion and then discuss.

I am a bit uncertain though, I decide to follow your view.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS-In some countries, the old age is more valued, while in some countries the youth