Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

IELTS@In many countries, people spend more and more time away from their families. What causes this

wjc74751 2 / 2  
Aug 15, 2022   #1

less family times these days

In many countries, people spend less and less time with their families. There are many reasons that cause this trend, which run as follows.
Above all, the style of life changes. In the past, the young in a family usually work in the same city and live closely due to the bad traffic. However, the children in a family now generally go to different cities to get better life quality when they study and work, which causes them to have few opportunities to go back home and stay with their parents. Besides, the mobile phones appear. Nowadays almost everyone has a smart phone with many attractive and interesting applications on it. Many people often use the phone to watch videos and play games all the day instead of talking with their family. Sometimes even two people in one room just play on their own phones without any communication.

So what will this situation cause? In my opinion, it will cause the conflict between the family members. The less time people use with their family, the worse the relationship between them is. It may cause the quarrel and cold violence even a fighting in the family.

In conclusion, there are plenty of bad consequences caused by this trend. People should spend more time with their families to build healthy family relationships.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,209 4317  
Aug 15, 2022   #2
Under normal examination circumstances, this essay will automatically receive a failing task score since the writer only wrote 220/250 words. As such, the discussion is perceived to be under developed and with little consideration for scoring criteria on the part of the writer. This is not going to be an essay that will receive a passing score even before a complete assessment of the work has been completed.

When read in depth, it will appear that the writer has an almost cut and paste reference to the original topic instead of a reworded representation. The writer does not make an effort to create a new line of thought that follows the original topic foundation. Then, the opinion statement is devoid of any scorable content as it does not provide any writer insight based on the given discussion questions. Hence, this paragraph will be given a failing score by the examiner. That makes 2 reasons for immediate failing score assessments even before the content in the reasoning paragraphs are reviewed.

The writer does not really discuss the reasons in a greater capacity. Instead, the writer only gives reasons for the occurrence, which defeats the purpose of the reasoning statement. A rhetorical paragraph presentation in the second paragraph did not serve to deliver a stronger results / effects paragraph either. The writer is too quick to dismiss simple reasoning as valid, when a more complex representation that meets LR, C+C, and GRA requirements are needed.
huyjunnie 4 / 11 4  
Aug 15, 2022   #3
Please note that the word count on your essay isn't met the IELTS requirements for task two. You can extend by brainstorming more ideas and dig deep further into your original ideas.

The introduction is bad, although you make your attempt to paraphrase the question.
My recommendations: In some countries → In some parts of the world / people spend → invest their time in //
There are many particular culprits explaining this problem, ...

Your essay's body is lack of coherence and another required paragraph. You have to divide your ideas into two different paragraphs, so more ideas should be added.

It seems that you cannot develop your idea in a more extended way since you only put the reasons without anything supporting for them.
Grammatical aspect of your essay is repetitive and bad.
Overall, you should think of ideas carefully and ensure that your vocabulary range is enough to make a full essay.

Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS@In many countries, people spend more and more time away from their families. What causes this