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Does a country benefit from a large proportion of young university students?

LingDung 1 / -  
Apr 10, 2022   #1
Some people think a country benefits from a large proportion of young university students, others think sending young people to universities only leads to graduate unemployment.

Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Education plays an integral in a person's upbringing, which assists people to broaden their horizons about this world. In some countries, encouraging students to attend universities will contribute to the nation's prosperity. However, some still argue that this factor will lead to an increase in unemployment. From my perspective, this essay will discuss these two perspectives, and I approve of the former one more than the latter one because of some reasons.

On the one hand, it is believed that the high rate of graduates will contribute to the nation's growth. To begin with, this factor is the key which helping pupils develop themselves in universities that provide a large amount of knowledge and information for their professional fields and which are beneficial for society. Pupils will be provided knowledge related to their fields and gain more experiences not only in the process of joining the university but also in extracurricular activities. For example, obtaining proficiency in their professionalism is a contributor to some majors that required high qualifications and experience such as IT, artificial intelligence, and automatic machine, which leads to the economic growth of the nation. As a result, they will benefit in various fields and there is no doubt that studying at the universities is a great stepping-stone in the student's growth.

On the other hand, this tendency also leads to a rise in the unemployment rate because of some specific reasons. Choosing to study at a university without orientation intensely might have an adverse effect on pupils further future. Some students of today tend to step into the universities because of their parents' needs and the exaggeration of the society about the universities degree, which causes pressure and depression for postgraduates. As a result, they might feel there is no interest in these stereotyped lectures and tend to give up.

In conclusion, although this tendency brings various advantages to the growth of the nation, it still causes disadvantages for the pupils without intense orientation and the prejudging of the society may cause depression for students. I still consider that this trend brings more benefits to the country.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,856 4178  
Apr 10, 2022   #2
Do not provide your personal opinion in the opening statement. Always integrate that into your personal opinion as the reason for your belief. The first 2 sentences of the first paragraph should only restate the original prompt in 1-2 sentences, 3 at the most. Opening with your personal statement creates a prompt deviation as this does not present an original presentation position. There is no evidence in the original prompt to support this statement. It will cause a deduction for the paragraph. The lack of clear opinion in the last paragraph, due to the missing supporting topics, will also result in an unclear opinion presentation and receive deductions as well. These will definitely lower the starting score that could prevent the writer from achieving a passing score later on.

The writer fails to compare the public opinion with his personal point of view. The total essay is written only from the writer's perspective instead of a public and personal point of view. Therefore, the writer has used an incorrect response format in his response. The use of third person pronouns, along with a first person pronoun needs to be seen in these paragraphs to highlight the discussion opinion of the public as compared to the author's opinion.

A concluding summary must present the salient discussion points in recap. It should not be a continuing discussion of the topic. The latter is the error that the writer made in this presentation and will be one of the causes for the failing score of the essay.

The writer closes the essay by saying:

I still consider that this trend brings more benefits to the country.

A clear prompt deviation that, due to this not being required in the original discussion instruction, indicates that the writer does not understand the actual line of discussion for the topic provided. This will be one of the major reasons for the failing score, regardless of word count. When an essay does not follow the discussion path as required, it cannot receive a passing score.

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