Do not provide your personal opinion in the opening statement. Always integrate that into your personal opinion as the reason for your belief. The first 2 sentences of the first paragraph should only restate the original prompt in 1-2 sentences, 3 at the most. Opening with your personal statement creates a prompt deviation as this does not present an original presentation position. There is no evidence in the original prompt to support this statement. It will cause a deduction for the paragraph. The lack of clear opinion in the last paragraph, due to the missing supporting topics, will also result in an unclear opinion presentation and receive deductions as well. These will definitely lower the starting score that could prevent the writer from achieving a passing score later on.
The writer fails to compare the public opinion with his personal point of view. The total essay is written only from the writer's perspective instead of a public and personal point of view. Therefore, the writer has used an incorrect response format in his response. The use of third person pronouns, along with a first person pronoun needs to be seen in these paragraphs to highlight the discussion opinion of the public as compared to the author's opinion.
A concluding summary must present the salient discussion points in recap. It should not be a continuing discussion of the topic. The latter is the error that the writer made in this presentation and will be one of the causes for the failing score of the essay.
The writer closes the essay by saying:
I still consider that this trend brings more benefits to the country.
A clear prompt deviation that, due to this not being required in the original discussion instruction, indicates that the writer does not understand the actual line of discussion for the topic provided. This will be one of the major reasons for the failing score, regardless of word count. When an essay does not follow the discussion path as required, it cannot receive a passing score.