Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Each country has distinct music types. Music is one of the most popular arts in the world.

akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Feb 3, 2016   #1
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Each country has distinct music types. Music is one of the most popular arts in the world and brings positive effects on humans like reducing hormones of stress. I would argue that the local music among all types of the music is the most essential for people since it is valuable inheritance

The music is really useful since it can relax people especially the classical music. This has a beneficial effect on physiological functions, lowering blood pressure, and decreasing the levels of the stress hormones. A recent study by University of Adelaide in December 2015 found that listening to the music on headphones reduces the stress and anxiety of patients in hospitals of Australia. Because it can help the patients, several countries in Europe have developed healthy technology by harnessing the music.

I strongly believe that the local music is more necessary than the international music. It is a precious heritage. People can learn and understand well about history and traditions of their country when they listen to the local music. An article in a Cosmopolitan's magazine in October 2014 displayed that the traditional music in Timor-Leste expresses spiritual cultural activities of citizens, and parents encourage their children to hear it. Government should require students of primary schools to learn about the traditional music since this policy can stimulate them to love their culture.

In conclusion, the music can help people more relaxed when they get the stress. The local music is believed that it is the most essential. It is imperative that the governments should campaign for preserving the traditional music.

dynaranjani 27 / 24 18  
Feb 4, 2016   #2
Because SINCE it can help the patients, ...

Well done Mr. Akbar ! Keep up your hard work. Good luck
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Feb 4, 2016   #3
Akbar, when you develop your thesis statement, specially when it should connect to a specific instruction from the prompt, make sure that you present an overview of the discussion or reason behind your point of view which you will be discussing later on in the essay. In your current introduction, you do not have any transition sentence to prepare the reader for the sudden change in the tone of discussion from the presentation of the thesis statement going into your point of view. You can always say something along the lines of;

"There are sectors of society that believe that between the two types of music, traditional music is the more important one. I tend to share this point of view due to the inheritance and traditional factors associated with it. Details of which will be discussed below."

That way, you clearly indicate the discussions that will take place and allow the reader to anticipate the various changes in discussion topics.

The same line of reasoning applies to your second paragraph. You need to learn to use transition sentences in order to create a better understanding of the upcoming paragraph. Introduce the next topic at the end of the present paragraph. don't just hit the reader with it. If you use a transition sentence, you will show that you can logically think and write in the English language. At the moment, it feels like you are discussing two separated essay topics within one essay. It is not smoothly developed nor presented. The choppy presentation will show a lack of sentence device usage and ability. Which means a poor score showing in the end.

Home / Writing Feedback / Each country has distinct music types. Music is one of the most popular arts in the world.