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IELTS (no country can progress without the co-operation of other countries)


Jiya 6 / 18  
Apr 7, 2012   #1
Slam everyone! This is my 1st try to write on this forum. I'm the newest one. Hope you will help me to make corrections and also give me advice and Ielts band. And I'm eagerly waiting for your response. Thank you!

Task: "Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves"?

Essay

The wealthy nations should help the poor ones or the governments of the poor nations should take care their citizens themselves?

In this world, some countries or nations are wealthy and some are poorer. Those countries which are socially, economically and politically strong, should help the poor countries through food, money, education and some other useful equipment. All the nations have the relations of humanity. For example, all the world is like a body and body can work properly if all parts of it work rightly. Likewise if one nation is powerful and it helps the poor nation , as a result, the whole world will be prosperous and peaceful.

On the other hand, if one nation is economically strong and it doesn't help the poor nations, as a result, there must be every kind of corruption and terrorism because of poverty. And no doubt, that corruption and terrorism can spread and damage the whole world. Or can be harmful and dangerous not only for that nation but also for the whole mankind. Ups and down are the part of life. Any rich nation can be poor in the walk of life. If it helps the poor one then it can expect help from other nations in its own bad times.

But some people think that the government of poor nation should help and take care of their citizens. They believe, "God help those who help themselves". They thought if the poor nations will rely on the wealthy nations, then they can be addicted, useless, slut and shirker also. They give the example of Japanese, who established themselves after the third world war. This is the duty of government to give proper health facilities, food & education to their citizens. It should be industrious and make their citizens too. If it can't then it doesn't have the right to rule over the country.

In short, both views are rather correct. Although it's better, if the governments of poor nations depend on themselves as well as on the help of other wealthy nations but first, they ought to make strong or progress themselves then ask for help to other nations. It's true, no country can progress without the co-operation of other countries. Because all the world is like a town, all the countries are neighbors and all the nations have the relation of humanity.

(294 words).
OP Jiya 6 / 18  
Apr 7, 2012   #2
third world war

Sorry! It was second world war.
meandstudying 2 / 14  
Apr 7, 2012   #3
Hi,

I would suggest :

".., all the world is like a body which /that can work properly .."

"..Likewise if a powerful nation helps a poor nation/one .."

I am thinking to replace "as a result " with the following : ---> "When a powerful nation helps a poor one/nation, the whole world will be prosperous and peaceful."

"..they ought to make themselves progress then .."

"...the nations are humanly related."

I hope this helps you, and that I didnt say something stupid

Sincerely
mclite77 2 / 15  
Apr 7, 2012   #4
Your topic was to talk about nations. But in your essay you mentioned countries. I suggest to use nations not countries to give your essay one clear area to talk about.

Another suggestion is to pick two nations to talk about in your paragraphs. Then give at least one or two descriptive points.
OP Jiya 6 / 18  
Apr 7, 2012   #5
Thanks a lot both of u! i like your suggestions and it helped me a lot. Hope u will help me again on my next essays!!!
OP Jiya 6 / 18  
Apr 8, 2012   #6
Thank u very much Luca! I've done all the changes in my note book which all of u told me. Hope u will give me more suggestions on my next essay!


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