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coursework - descriptive writing


jameth 1 / -  
Oct 14, 2020   #1

The descriptions, actions, and story



I got on a small boat, collapsed myself into a small cabin. The boat start moving, and that is it. I have successfully escaped, heading to an island, where I can have freedom. A small boat floating in the middle of the ocean with heavy rain and strong wind, the boat sometimes leaned and almost got capsized. After all, we reached the island after several days of hovering, but still, we got a checkpoint to pass. I could hear the footsteps very clear, mixed up with the native accent of the soldiers. I held my breath and the sounds outside volume down and the boat continue heading to the wharf. I got off the boat with some cash and a backpack. The sight that caught my eye was majestic high mountains with a clear blue sea on either side. Getting deeper inside, small houses are adjacent together, the children were playing on the crossroads. I walked into the forest in front of me as the instructions of the boat driver.

Going deep into the forest, branches of trees fall to the forest's ground, small, narrow trails stretch through the forest. The road was filled with mud due to rains, large and small rocks lying close to both sides of the road. The birds flew over the sky as the atmosphere became foggier. It got colder by time, so I rushed and reached the dead-end of the road. There is a small path on the right which leads me to a big iron gate. I slowly approached the gate. The iron gate was rusted, there're many holes on the gate too. Although It was foggy, I could barely see a big building, the tree has no leaves surrounding the building and a small pool which probably shallowed. The gate wasn't locked, and I thought this is the building I was looking for, there could be a man who can help me to have a better life. So, I lightly pushed the gate and stepped slowly inside. I walked on the road leading to that building, all around it was dust, there was a strange smell around it. I continue towards the building. In the distance, I could see courtyards, some yards with the net, yards separated by fences. There was sporting equipment on both sides of me, but some fell. I stopped for a moment when I'm closer to the building, I saw the painting on the walls, bullet holes followed by a huge hole in the bottom. It was like something inside had exploded to create that hole. For a moment I thought I should stop. But then I kept going inside. Opening the door, I saw sticks hanging by the wall, followed by the side of the door. I went on in the long hallway, those doors that didn't seem like ordinary doors, but it was incredibly tightly reinforced. When I reached the end of the hallway, divided into two small paths, I went to the left because it had a signboard pointing past the workplace. I opened the double door and went inside. At that time, I saw empty prison cells and a little dried blood on the wall. This corridor appears to lead to a large room at the end. I ran there and I forcefully opened the door. I looked around, this seems to be the food court, the tables are all over the room, there is a place to receive food. There are stairs around the hall leads from other areas. I looked up the hall, there are about 9 floors above me, and the floors squared the hall. I went up the first floor, it seems like this is the place where controls the activity inside this building. But the room where empty, the glass of that room was broken. I went up to the second floor, the prison cell next-to-next along the floor. I went around, looking for the room the boat driver told. I went all over the floor and finally reaches an office at the end of the floor. In there, I saw a man, sitting by the window, rest the feet on the table. When I enter the room, he turned around and looked at me like he knows I would come. He got a tattoo on the neck, face, hand which makes me startled a little. It looks like he knew I will be here, so he prepared the paper and created a new ID for me.

I left the building as a new person, gallantly walked out of the building, and started a new life.

this is a descriptive writing, hopefully receive feedbacks for improvement, thank you!

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,732 3069  
Oct 14, 2020   #2
The essay itself is descriptive. However, the descriptiveness does not help the story move forward. The descriptions should not merely be about the background or straight actions. You need to make sure that your descriptions move the story forward. You have to describe the actions, the movements, the pieces of equipment, even the sky color if you wish, so that the descriptions bring the reader into the story with you. The descriptive writing you have presented is flat and one - dimensional. It is not very interesting because there is no true story being told. The actions unfolding do not connect to create an interesting story for the reader. The descriptions, actions, and story need to work together to form a more engaging descriptive writing piece. You have shown the potential to be good at describing things, so with a little more work, you should be able to develop a truly interesting descriptive writing piece.


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