Prompt: Write a narrative essay that describes an experience that taught you an unexpected lesson. Show the incident as it happened, and describe what you learned and why it was unexpected.
Essay:
When I was younger, my brother Charlie and I often went to the beach. We always enjoyed the beach because we both liked to build sand castles and body-surf in the waves. Our favorite thing to do was to build castles near the shore to see how long they would last before they were destroyed by the waves. On this day, we had been at the beach for nearly an hour and the sun was beating down on our heads. Sweaty and bored with building trenches, Charlie ran off into the waves to cool off. He left me to defend the trench against the battering waves.
Although I was hot and tired, I chose not to go into the water like my brother. Instead, I decided to build a big pit and then fill it with water. Maybe the water-filled pit would cool me down. So I began to dig a pit large enough for my whole body. With the sun warming my back, I dug until I hit groundwater. The pit began to slowly fill with water. Too slowly in fact. I resolved to speed the process up by getting a bucket, scooping up water from the ocean, and dumping it into the pit. I only got as far as the the first bucketful of water. The sweltering sun made it too hard to get water from the ocean for the pit, so I chose to take a break. I slid down the sides of the pit and sat in the puddle at the bottom.
Failing to cool off in two inches of water, I slowly peered out over the edge of the giant pit to check out the size of the waves and wonder how cold the water was. The beach had gotten very crowded with people trying to cool off. From my perspective in the pit, I noticed that the sand was covered with beach towels, which made it look like a strange, haphazardly-sewn quilt. As I peered over the edge of the pit, I saw a little crab wandering around. It was a tiny crab. It was very light blue and had a soft shell. While watching the little crab scurry around the beach, I realized that I, in digging my pit, had probably destroyed the crab's present abode. I felt a twinge of guilt as I watched the crab begin to dig a new pit for himself.
While I continued to watch the crab, I noticed a shadow come over me. I turned around and saw my brother Charlie standing on the edge of the giant pit. He asked enthusiastically ,"You wanna be buried in the sand?" Perhaps I was still deep in thought about the crab and hadn't really heard him; or I was just not paying attention. For whatever reason, I answered, "Sure. Whatever." I turned my head back around again to watch the crab and it was gone. Charlie, however, was still here, and he was rapidly and gleefully starting to envelop me in sand.
Coming out of my daze, I felt my legs getting heavier and harder to move. Charlie was now fervently shoving sand into the pit to cover my arms to prevent me from escaping his tomb. He shoveled sand faster and faster. Using his arm like a bulldozer blade, he plowed a massive pile of sand into the pit. The sand dropped onto my body, knocking the wind out of me.
I felt trapped. My safe, comfortable pit was becoming a tomb. I begged him to stop, but he just kept shoving sand in as if I wasn't there. The sand just grew heavier and heavier. Squinting up into the sun, I could barely see his face, but he was wearing a giant grin. I'm sure he was very proud of himself because he had succeeded in burying me alive. He stepped back to admire his handy-work. I pleaded with him one last time to let me out. But he only smiled, picked up a last handful of sand, and dropped it on me and said,"Sorry, you lose! You're on your own." I watched his back as he ran toward the shore.
As I laid there buried up to my neck, struggling to breath and feeling isolated, I felt betrayed by my own brother. I thought of all the times he had helped me at the beach and I wondered what had changed. Did I just do something to make him mad or was he just having fun at my expense? Am I too trusting or just don't realize that people change and things happen? As I lay there, I saw that something was moving in the last pile of sand Charlie had thrown at me. I watched the pile of dark, damp sand and saw a little speck of blue shell and two legs appearing out of the sand. The small crab I had seen earlier had apparently had its home destroyed again - this time by Charlie. The diligent little crab crawled out of the sand and started to dig, yet again, another hole in front of me. I chuckled at the irony of the situation and no longer felt isolated.
Despite being thrown around, the crab had still managed to survive and made the best of its situation. Encouraged by the crab, I began to struggle to get my arms out of the sand. Once my arms were free, I started to scoop the gritty sand surrounding my red belly. Finally I was able to get free and stood up. Charlie then came back out of the waves and said sarcastically,"Do you need any help?" "No," I replied, "I had some help from a crab."
As we packed up to go, I thought about that crab and his ability to persevere despite his size and the many obstacles it faced in the world. I realized, that no matter what situation your in, you always can get through it if you endure.
This is a very interesting essay. It is simple and yet it unfolds in a very curious way that drew me in. I think that perhaps others might think it is a bit anticlimactic as they might have expected something a bit more dramatic or "unexpected" to happen (like the tide comming in and going over your head while you were buried to the neck) but I like the simplicity of it.(it just depends what you think the reader will be expecting) There were a few minor grammatical errors such as the last sentence.
"I realized, that no matter what situation your in, you always can get through it if you endure.
----I would change to----
"I realized that no matter what situation you are in you always can get through it if you endure."
Also, you may want to try to connect it with a more specific theme of who you are as a person at the end rather than just the general theme of perseverance. (might be a little less clichéd?) Otherwise I very much enjoyed reading your essay, great job!
Wow, this is such a great story, and very well written. Some things are just great, like;
Failing to cool off in two inches of water, I slowly peered out over the edge of the giant pit to check out the size of the waves and wonder how cold the water was. The beach had gotten very crowded with people trying to cool off. From my perspective in the pit, I noticed that the sand was covered with beach towels, which made it look like a strange, haphazardly-sewn quilt.
and, "Squinting up into the sun, I could barely see his face, but he was wearing a giant grin."
You do need a stronger opening though, one that embodies the theme of your essay. Also, in the last sentence, you use the word "endure". I think maybe "persevere" might sound better.
:)
