if you could create a new holiday, what person or event would it honor? toefl essay

I wrote this essay in 30 minutes and i don't know if i can get high score in toefl writing with this kind of writing. So help me out! Much appreciated :)

Throughout history, holidays have been the principal symbol of country's culture, lifestyle and tradition. Therefore, even today there are numerous types of holiday celebrated around the world to represent their country's tradition and honor the famous ancient people. Thus, in my opinion there should be a new holiday specifically honored to celebrate the birth of the most famous Mongolian warrior and king, Genghis King who unified the Mongol tribes and eventually proclaimed the Great Mongol Empire in 1st of December in 1206. Due to this fact, today's prosperous Mongolia exists the way it is now. Therefore, without a doubt I believe that a holiday named ' The Rebirth of Mongolia' should be celebrated around every corner of our nation in 1st of December every year.

It is an undeniable fact that Genghis King successfully unified our Mongolian nation together with his vigorous fighting skills and benevolent mind. Before the unification of Mongolia, our nation had been scattered and the citizens were in chaos and confusion. However, after the advent of our Great Genghis King, our ancestors were united and eventually conquered and colonized the half of the world. It is considered that Mongolian Empire during Genghis Khan's reign was the most powerful and the biggest empire that ever existed during the course of history. As a result, he is a well-known figure throughout our nation but there is no specific day that reminds him to us.

As the children of Great Genghis Khan, I believe it is only right to celebrate this new holiday by paying great respect and care to commemorate the contributions he made to this nation. Therefore, in the 1st of December, every Mongolians should wear the fully equipped traditional clothing and read the educational books written by Genghis Khan. Moreover, eating our traditional food at family gathering is a must to do in this day. The elders should also teach their children the contributions the king made and the great lessons he taught to the nation. This way, our future generations get to have chance to realize the importance of him.

All in all, Genghis King was and still is the most important person in our history who created a prosperous and thriving life for his future nation. Therefore, every 1st of December should be dedicated to his achievements that he made and every year we can realize the importance of him and the nation's unification.

it will be better if you write: "therefore, even today people celebrate numerous types of holidays around the world to represent their country's tradition and to show their honor to their ancestors. "


don't write children, instead you can write it in this way: "as a part of the glorious legacy of Great Genghis Khan, i believe, we should celebrate this day with deep respect and integrity to commemorate the contributions that he made to this nation."

By the way, your intro is pretty big. Try to write a short intro. your supporting idea (what he did and what you think) should be in your body para. your intro should only contain your opinion and nothing more than that.

your overall writing is good. wish you all the best :)

TOEFL Writing task 2 needs you to have an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion. In the introduction, you need to briefly introduce your topic and state your opinion (or in this case, state what person or event your holiday would honor). Then in the body paragraphs give one reason per para (2 body paras are enough) to justify your opinion. For each such reason give a specific example to support your reasoning. Then do the final conclusion.

Well, I think you have covered all these things in your essay. I find this is very well written. If you managed it withing 30 minutes, then I would say that you really don't have to worry about this task. Move on to practice other tasks because you are quite ready to take this up :)

Wish you good luck with TOEFL :)