Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Crime level - IELTS Writing Task 2 - assessment!

thanhhmai07 1 / 1  
Mar 13, 2020   #1

Each year, the crime rate increases.

What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?

Nowadays the world has been confronting with the significant growth in the proportion of criminals. Given that this trend leads to a whole host of issues for the government as well as the safety of citizens, identifying the reasons behind it is key to finding the solutions.

There are several reasons why the crime level has a markedly rise in recent decades. Firstly, since there are thousands of action movies and shows at disposal, people especially the young generation have a tendency for becoming addicted to this kind of videos, which might drive to obsession and criminal commitment. For instance, a recent poll by the UK Government found that 70% of inmates would watch too much violent acts on TV and as a result, they could not differentiate between fiction and reality, then unconsciously imitate these acts. Secondly, the loose control of gun also contributes to the climb of criminal activity. This means that everyone has a right to possess at least a gun, which might harm their neighbors.

Nevertheless, there are also variety of solutions to reverse this trend. First, the censorship should strictly check the quality of these violent videos as well as age restriction. This acts as an incentive for people to view the appropriate contents. Second, the government should pass a law which exclude people from utilizing guns. For example, Australia banned guns in 1996 and since then the crime rate in that country has reduced by 30%.

In conclusion, the mimicry of violent acts and the loose policy of gun ownership are the main reasons why more and more people commit crime. However, there are some solutions which significantly decline the crime level such as gun prohibition and violent limitation in the media.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,635 3478  
Mar 13, 2020   #2
The main problem with this essay is that you are citing figures gained from possible research instead of personal experience and knowledge. You should be citing examples from your life experiences and common knolwedge as to what causes crime and how to stop it. Information about the UK government and Australian gun ban, with specific dates and percentages show that you used research to complete the task. That is in violation of the discussion instruction which is for you to use personal knowledge and experience. The information is too detailed to have come from personal experience or everyday knowledge. That is going to pull down your test score.

Also, since you will be writing this exam at the testing center, there will not be any internet connected computer available for you to use. Hence, the need for you to get used to writing without the use of external research. Use only information that you know. If I were you, I would start brushing up on my current events knowledge this early. This will prepare you for any possible current events question that might arise from the test questions.

By the way, the opening paraphrase and concluding summary paraphrase is not exempted from the minimum 3, maximum 5 sentence per paragraph requirement. You have to properly divide the sentence presentations in those sections so that you can get an opportunity to raise your overall score.
OP thanhhmai07 1 / 1  
Mar 13, 2020   #3
Btw, could you tell me some ways to get an appropriate example? Thanks a lot.

Home / Writing Feedback / Crime level - IELTS Writing Task 2 - assessment!