Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

IELTS Task 2: The Crime Rate That Always Rises Gradually Every Year

fahmisadja 33 / 33 34  
Dec 7, 2015   #1
Each year, the crime rate increases. What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?

The level of crime rate arises year by year continuously. Because of this reason, the governments have a responsibility to stop its development, and serve the safety feeling in society. Likewise, some major factors come from internal of offenders and bring them to commit a crime, for examples, financial, family, and behavior problems. Thus, to solve such a big case is required collaboration from people like governments, relatives, and teachers.

There are at least three primary aspects that cause a crime. Firstly, due to financial problem, the convicts maybe are unemployment and need money to stay alive. Thus, they take a shortcut to obtain a plenty of money by robbing, mugging, or shoplifting to fulfill their daily necessity. In addition, several young people commit A juvenile crime because of family problems, for instances, they come from A broken home family and lack of attention or affection. Hence, to look for attention from their relatives, they become offenders like vandalism or gangster. Moreover, a behavior problem such having bad values of moral also drives them to do the criminal activities. They have no concept that committing a crime is a mistake, and it hurts others.

To overcome these problems, people have to work together based on their roles. The governments have substantial role by providing jobs for those who get unemployment based on the qualifications. The governments also can give community service or business education for them, so they can start to be entrepreneurs. On the other hand, education is also essential. Parents and teachers require supporting their children to grow up with good behavior. In home, parents have to keep the harmoniousness of family by giving enough attention and love or discussing with them when they have problems. However, teachers should supervise and ensure that children study well when they are at school.

To sum up, three factors, for instances, financial issues, unhappiness families, and wrong values can generate a crime. However, several of actions from the governments, parents, and teachers are some real preventing to decline the crime rate that always rises gradually every year. To maximize and optimize these notions, they should do seriously and regularly.

(358 words)

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Dec 7, 2015   #2
Masdar, the essay prompt requires you develop and present your train of thought in a clear manner that will not be confusing to the reader. While you do try to this in your essay, you were not successful in doing so for a number of reasons that include:

1. Incomplete thoughts in the introduction. For example; "some major factors come from internal of offenders". What do you mean by internal?

2. The second paragraph does not accurately develop the discussion regarding the reasons that you believe contribute to the rise in crime rate. Each aspect should be discussed thoroughly in separate paragraphs. The same problem exists for the methods that you believe this problem can be resolved.

Not all of your work is negative though. The conclusion you developed was good and gave the essay a strong finish.
brayan1996 17 / 35 5  
Jan 5, 2016   #3
Hi fahmisadja,

I think your essay offers an insightful commentary on the prevalence of crime rates. However, it fails to provide clear cut fact that may help solidify your argument.

Try to implement facts rather than only stating general claims, that seem to be facts. They are not facts, they only serve as filler words that help to keep your essay going. If you consider providing quantitative data showing how crimes have increased from year to year then the essay will probably be more elevated in analysis.

I hope this helps.

Brayan F.

Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: The Crime Rate That Always Rises Gradually Every Year