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Criminality in Britain - IELTS - WRITING TASK 1 - LINE PARAGRAPH AND PIE CHART


vannn 1 / 2  
Oct 28, 2020   #1
This is my first time I use this website, could you give me some comments about my writing please?? Thank you so much.

gender of prison inmates and criminal conviction numbers



Given are two figures concerning criminality in Britain. While the first indicates the gender of the convicted criminal, the second gives data on the rate of the offender between male and female in various ages.

It is clear that 96 percent of Britain in gaol are men, and a mere 4 percent are women. The figure has shown that the male criminal convictions of Britain increase dramatically from 10 years old and reach a peak at the age of 20 at 16 percent. There is the same rise of females in the same age period which start at 0 percent among 10-year-old then climb to approximately 5 percent at the age of 20. In the following years, criminality has a tendency of decreasing sharply in both genders. At 60 years old, the convictions percentage of females are merely 0 percent, while male are higher at 2 percent by the similar age.

In the total 100 percent of all prisoners, there is a negligible 4 percent is female, and the remainder are men.






newchevening 1 / 3  
Oct 28, 2020   #2
First of all, you have to write 150 words otherwise you will be penalized ... then it is better to follow a specific method or structure: Introduction ( only paraphrasing the question ) + Overview ( summarize the most noticeable features no numbers ) + Paragraphs ( 2 paragraphs look more organized ) you have to read more about this task structure and it is important to review the task 1 writing band descriptors for example from that description IF you need 7+ you have to present a clear overview of main trends you will this under Task Achievement band 7.
mugdho 1 / 3  
Oct 28, 2020   #3
In the first paragraph , you could write this pie chart and line graph instead of figures. You could also write an additional overview paragraph where you can identify the trends shown in the data instead of reporting values from the graph . This allows the reader to understand what is being spoken of because if you are immediately reporting values , this is not a good start to be honest if you are aiming for band 7 or above.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,341 3364  
Oct 29, 2020   #4
Considering you wrote 172 words, I do not understand why you are being warned about a penalty for writing under the word count of 150 words. Please ignore that advise. You wrote the right number of words in this essay. What I would like to call your attention to, is the missing trending statement in the summary paragraph. You need to present the trending statement at the end to complete your summary overview. You should also properly identify the two images presented in the essay. What kind is it? A pie chart and a fluctuating line graph. Always complete the summary overview information to help the reader better understand which information belongs where.

The lack of proper image identification in relation to the information you are presenting in the essay are what will prevent this essay from getting a better score. The clarity of the information you are presenting just isn't there. All because you forgot to separate the information in the last 2 information paragraphs based on image reference points.


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