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Critique on primary source analysis, British Working Class

shatterX 3 / 2  
Jul 16, 2008   #1
hi everybody,
i am a high school student and i am new to this forum, or any essay writing forums:D. i read over some of the posts and i can c mods/helpers are very dedicated and skilled individuals! personally i dont mind my work plagiarized, since they r hogwash anyways and all i want is improve my poor writing. so as a introduction pls give a quick scan of my essay and feel free to post any comments. ty for ur time:D

*i dont have the essay that i did my critique on..is it ok?
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Critique on primary source analysis

In this historical analysis of the British Working Class in the interlude of late 18th to early 19th Century, Simon (privacy) conveys the intricate relationship between the working class and the aristocracy. According to the introduction, he introduces the notion of the working class striving for a better life, while suppressed by the elite and aristocracy because they wanted to maintain their power. He portrayed the arising conflict between these two classes, and their arsenal, which were strategies assisting their personal agendas that would aid them to gain an upper hand in this conflict. Although both sides of the conflict were clearly illuminated, it is clear that he wrote in favor of the working class, as he lists the reasons for them to participate in this conflict as "pushing towards better living standards, better working conditions, better wages, and more rights for the employees." The elites and aristocracy, however, fought to maintain their powers over the working class, regarded as a lower class similar to slaves or force laborers. Therefore the working class seems to be pitiful and righteous while the ruling class is portrayed as evil and tyrannical. This notion continues to resurgence as the analysis progresses.

The salient strength of this analysis is the author's detailed and thorough description of the conflict between the working class and the aristocracy. This was shown in a step-by-step analysis conveying each of the side's method in order to win the conflict. The first step of this conflict was described to be the alliance created between the trade union and the working class, used to pressure the government as well as the elite and aristocracy into indulging their demands He limned the trade union's continuing momentum to fulfilling its demands by first voicing their grievance for the current economical and political structure, then fighting for the demands by the working class. This, indeed, created much tension within the rich ruling class. In turn, the opposite side countered this by relying on the intervention of the government, which included acceleration in law making that strikes against the strikers. Furthermore, he described the working class's counter to the elite and aristocracy, which centers on breaking machines and property or even threats of murder, planned by the Luddites. He portrays the Luddites as quasi-terrorists, using threats to coerce their enemy to submit to their demands. Furthermore, Simon included a large number of quotes in this analysis that strongly supported his ideas. He successfully combines all these descriptions to vividly summarize the conflict between the two classes.

Simon mainly focuses on the motif that different groups of people fought against each other to achieve their own goals and personal well being, ironically it is their very conflict that allows the two groups to fit, if not peacefully, into one society and successfully functioning together. Simon, however, scarcely described future events that followed after this period of time. Whether the working class and the elite and aristocracy continued to quarrel for their own interest, or the problems emanated from their conflict was unclear to us. In addition, the relationship between the conflicts and the contemporary society is vague. This gives me little concern on the major conflict between the two classes. All in all this analysis was well written and adamantly elaborated.

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EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Jul 17, 2008   #2
Just a few corrections; you have some good analysis and your essay is structured well. Keep up the good work!
OP shatterX 3 / 2  
Jul 17, 2008   #3
ty very much Gloria! my grammar is so bad XD

i have little idea how to improve my writing, i read some books (quasi-literature) and try to improve from my way there. however, their writing is so advanced and words r used in different meanings! i tried to copy their style of writing and use of language,i had little success since my "copied" version is often described as vague and most of the time "awkward". till this day i have little idea wat exactly "awkward" is :(

for example,
"If the comedy of Urusei Yatsura consisted only of Ataru's encounters with these bleligerent women, the atmosphere of threatening femininity might be overpowering, but, within the consoling framework of Lum's devotion these other female characters come across as comic rather than disturbing." - "Anime..."- Susan J. Napier.

very long sentence. if i were to write something similar to that, it will be considered as a run-on sentence and usually i get an "awkward" written on my essay...y is this so i have no idea.

p.s. interesting useage of the word "privilege" and "defamilarize", used as, for example, "The author privileges/defamilarizes..", especially the later one cant even find in dicitonary.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Jul 17, 2008   #4
Kudos to you for looking to improve your writing! Try looking into some grammar/English writing textbooks. Prentice Hall makes some great college textbooks for the college writer; they explain the use of punctuation and structure pretty well. The Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers (7th Edition) is a good one, but any of the editions in this series are great. You can get them on Amazon.com for a pretty good price; the hardcovers are just as good as the paper covers, so unless you've got a "thing" for hardcovers, the paper are just as good and usually cheaper.

The key to these "awkward" sentences does lie in word choice, but it also has to do with punctuation; your use of semi colons, colons, and commas. The chapters in books like the Prentice Hall series explain this clearly and easily.

Your experience and comfort level with the academic discourse you write of will come in time. Interact with other students in your English class as much as you can, as well as advisors and professors. The more you do this the more familiar you will become with their discourse. The only way to get better with this is to experience it. Keep up your dedication and hard work and with time you will improve.

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