Hi there. I was very happy with the editing I received last time so I came back again =D.
This is a narrative essay that I came up with. We have to make a story and incorporate this line and this idea in it: "Faith carries us through difficulties."
The bracket stuff is just to explain what it means; not in the actual part of essay.
The Wizz
It is 1:30 PM; Saturday afternoon. The crowd is roaring and yelling, "Go WIZ." The sun is shining like the diamonds of Shah-Jahan (famous emperor of India in ancient times; simile), the birds are chirping and Gatorade is dripping off my face. As everyone yells, "good job WIZ, you're the man," I pass out and as my sneakers make the creaking sound, I fall...
I'm Bali, Bali Aster. I'm 6"2, brown hair with black streaks, and have a fairly good build. I'm a regular in the Tennis club here at McInnis Secondary. A regular means you're one of the best in the club along with seven other members as the team consists of eight members. Although I don't want to brag, I would say that I'm the second best tennis player in the club and on the team, next to our captain: Jazzle Mayway. My nickname is "the wiz" as I use intelligence as well tennis skills to defeat my opponents. My tennis is called "data tennis," because I collect data on my opponents and defeat them as I conquer their weaknesses.
"Yo Wiz, check this out," the coach said as he hands me the paper.
'A NEW WIZ IS BORN. IS THIS THE END OF BALI ASTER?' I saw the big, black and bold headline on The Sports Chronicles newspaper and as I gazed at it, I automatically knew one thing: Someone who can be in the Sports Chronicles isn't just anyone. I knew a man of his superiority would face me in the Prefectural Tournament. The Prefectural Tournament is a tournament where all the best tennis players face off and compete for a prize of honour and pride as they receive the best tennis player of the year award. I knew I had to get off my butt and train like I've never trained before.
15 days later
On a rainy night, as I was jogging down the road, The Sports Chronicles accidentally hit my face. As soon as I saw it, shivers of excitement chilled down my back. 'WIZ vs WIZ in 5 days, WHO WILL PREVAIL? THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS. I looked at it and cupped my fists as tight as I could and yelled... "IT'S ON BABY!"
5 days later
It's finally here. The judgment day that I trained each and every part of my body for.
"PREFECTURAL TOURNAMENT ROUND 1 BEGINS. McInnis Secondary's BALI ASTER TO SERVE," the referee yelled.
I took a deep breath, raised my racket, served and predicted where he would return my serve. Left back 91%, I said to myself. I quickly went to the back on the left side but the next thing I saw was his racket raised up in front of my face. In a second...the return was already returned and all I could see was his racket in my face. Fast, I thought to myself. That wasn't the case though, the main thing was that he out-predicted me. A tough opponent, a challenging opponent. No, a worthy opponent is what I should be saying. This is going to be one interesting match. After 3 more serves...the referee yelled the score.
"1-0 for Johnston Secondary's Freddy Frasco"
Calm down I said to myself. It's not over. I want to finish this quick so I went to my final move: Data Tennis.
"Johnston Secondary's Freddy Frasco to serve"
He serves and I quickly predicted his move to the right corner at 98% probability. I was correct! I quickly paced myself over there and returned it with a backhand that got me a point. Throughout the game, I noticed that the only way Freddy plays is using his predicting skills. So most of the times, he just fluked out. "He isn't a real WIZ like I am," I thought to myself. The game ended in my favour of 6-1. I just rememberd that I was getting panicked for no reason. I had to have faith in myself as faith carries us through difficulties.
I kind of don't know how to end it. I'm not really good at conclusions. Also, where would it be a good place to introduce that I'm panicking as I didn't show that yet. Thank-you very much for any help.
mSaKooL
Greetings!
What you have so far is very good! I think probably the panicking would work well right after he hits the first ball and it takes you by surprise.
next to our captain, [use comma instead of:] Jazzle Mayway.
I quickly went to the back on the left side but the next thing I saw was his racket raised up in front of my face. - This makes it sound as if his racket is just a couple of inches from your face...?
In a second...the return was already returned and all I could see was his racket in my face. - I think you lose something by this repetition. can you find a different way to put it besides his racket in your face?
Fast, I thought to myself. That wasn't the case though--the main thing was that he out-predicted me. [I think an emdash works better after "though" than a comma.]
Calm down, [add comma] I said to myself.
Your conclusion would be stronger if it were more dramatic. Perhaps you could give a brief play-by-play of him "fluking out." You don't have a shocking come-from-behind win to draw on, but you could build the tension up a bit by describing how you outsmarted his predicting skills; and you could become more elated with every win. Maybe end with you teammates celebrating the "real Wiz." Be sure you stick with one spelling of it throughout.
I hope this helps!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
