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Have you ever been in a crowded and dirty place? ;descriptive essay


boy3005 1 / 2  
Oct 23, 2013   #1
Teacher's Comment: I'd wish to see a bit more vivid,specific detail. You describe practically nothing in detail. This is a rather slight paper, that doesn't really support the dominant impression.

How can i provide more vivid specific details, where should i provide them...im kinda of lost. I know you guys dont want to read a boring essay but please help me out. Thank you.

I don't mind criticisms. In fact, please do.

This is after i corrected everything my teacher crossed out.

Essay:
Have you ever been in a crowded and dirty place, one that makes your skin crawl with disgust and terror? I have and that was during my trip to Main Street for the doctor's appointment. Main Street, Flushing is a disaster area. Streets are filled with traffic and crowds. The sanitation is absolutely terrible and people are ignorant and rude. Main Street is not a place that you would want to attend daily or at all.

Main Street is appetizing for its food but the crowds can a hassle and infuriating. Near the long rusty bridge which serves as the entrance to inner part of Main Street. One smells by the sweet and mouthwatering fragrance of meat buns, coming from green food stand under the bridge named "AA Plaza" with long and busy lines of people waiting to order. ( He wrote underdeveloped paragraph here what else can I write about beside specific examples of main street's food)

Everything turned for the worse after the bridge. The strong and odious odor of gasoline and smoke from cars and food carts lingered in the air and replaced the sweet fragrance of food. There was nothing to see besides glass and concrete buildings ruined by graffiti and large advertisements. The crowds doubled in size and the place got rowdier as car drivers engaged in constant beeping. Food was scattered on the street due to careless customers and employees. Stop lights were either flicking in a random way, broken, or delayed leading people to misdirection.

Further on, the situation was far worse. Children screeching and screaming like bats at night. Employees were shouting in a repetitive way to attract customers. The scents of smoke and gasoline were now overwhelmed temporally by a stinky stench from the inside of the supermarket likely from the seafood inside. Far more disgusting and disturbing was the white feces lying around in the streets.

Crowds seemed everlasting and the heavy smell of gasoline and smoke never seem to disappear. Tired of the crowds and smells, I decided Main Street wasn't a place that I want to be in any longer as I swiftly went to my doctor's appointment and left the streets.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Oct 23, 2013   #2
Main Street is not a place that you would want to attend daily or at all.

Main Street is not a place that you would want to hang around daily or may be at all.
"Main Street" gets repeated too often and in almost every sentence. You need to pay attention to that.

Have you ever been in a crowded and dirty place, one that makes your skin crawl with disgust and terror? I have and that was during my trip to Main Street for the doctor's appointment. Main Street, Flushing is a disaster area. Streets are filled with traffic and crowds. The sanitation is absolutely terrible and people are ignorant and rude. Main Street is not a place that you would want to attend daily or at all.

... Okkkkk... giving consideration to your teacher's comment, I feel you should give a bit more detailed description about Main Street. Talk about its location and for what it is famous for etc.
OP boy3005 1 / 2  
Oct 23, 2013   #3
Can you tell what details in the essay are not specific/vivid enough?
OP boy3005 1 / 2  
Oct 23, 2013   #4
That is my introduction so i tried not to be specific in that paragraph. My teacher told me to be specific at certain parts like what the employees were shouting and what the advertisements say. So im wondering if i was providing enough vivid and specific details for what I see in the streets. If not, can you tell me what details are not specific/vivid enough?


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