Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

The crucial part of being happy lies in one's everyday attitude towards life.

chikachika 2 / 2  
Feb 5, 2017   #1
Why happiness is difficult to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness?

The way to happiness

It is clear that happiness is the everyone's ultimate goal. But it seems like people have their own versions when it comes to defining happiness and determining the main factors needed to acquire happiness.

Happiness is an abstract, subjective concept and its definition varies according to culture, religion and personal background. While Buddhists believe that by detaching oneself from all passions, needs and wants of life, people can achieve happiness; Christians are taught that dedicating one's life to helping people with pure altruism is the way to obtain eternal happiness. Generally, it is assumed that chasing your dream and getting what you want will bring you pleasure. But does it, or it is just a temporary state of satisfaction and then you still find yourself struggling every day to be happy? To sum up, happiness is something that you will have to define on your own, it is not what other people said it is.

In my opinion, the key factor when it comes to happiness is your mind. The human brain is such a powerful system that it can even bring more joyfulness to people who have nothing than those who have everything. Every day, people can choose either talking and smiling to their friends or wandering around with an angry face, either being an optimistic or pessimistic about what is coming. Happiness is a combination of simple choices that can make a huge impact on how you see the world.

In conclusion, happiness is hard to define as it is diverse and I believe that the crucial part of being happy lies in one's everyday attitude towards life.

Ssakshijain 28 / 146 87  
Feb 6, 2017   #2
Hi chikachika, overall it was good and what I think you can make it more presentable by cutting out some words for more elaborative words. like:

It is ......Buddhists believe that happiness is finding peace in asceticism while Christians find it in serving humanity through kindness. ..(combine the first two paragraphs, you can add more examples here to end this paragraph and then start with the next one. )

[Make this one a concluding paragraph: as you said "to sum up" here and it is used in the conclusion.] Usually, we live in an assumption that chasing our dreams to fulfil our desires brings us pleasure but in reality, it is just a ......(you can add an example here from your own life: [In my opinion, ...........see the world.] This whole paragraph defines your conclusion so it should be along with your concluding paragraph and make it more elaborative as I did a few sentences for you. To sum up, joy is what we define in our own terms, not what others teach us.
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Feb 6, 2017   #3
Hi Vi Tran.
I have read your essay closely. Before I offer you a few suggestion, I remind you to always include the whole question so that readers can understand what you wanna review on this medium.

First, you are supposed to add a thesis statement meaningfully. It can present what you will explain in the body paragraph. Its aim is to describe what you review in your essay. That can also become the track to lead the readers to your flow in this essay. After that, you have to be able to distinguish between a conjunction and transition word. There was the conjunction which should be written the transition. That matter is a minor error but can break your flow.

Be careful of misspellings. I have found a few of misspellings. It can reduce your score as well if you make the same mistakes many times. Apart from that, you should focus on prompts given. The second question asks you to present some factors of happiness. However, you only offer one factor. Your score can fall down because you missed one of task responses. That is crucial in the writing. I suggest you analyze the question more so that you can answer the prompts entirely. Following this, you have to construct the body paragraph better. You need the supporting sentences stronger to strengthen your opinion. The scientist fact can become the valuable support.

I highly recommend you to read many examples of essay. It can lead you to understand for constucting the good paragraph. On the other hand, that way is able to enrich your vocabulary storage. The key to master this matter is practice more and more.

Happry Writing. Good Luck.
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,643 2524  
Feb 6, 2017   #4
Vi, your paraphrased statement is good. However, I am disappointed that you did not remember to include an overview of the discussion that you would be presenting in the essay. You see, it is not enough to be able to say the topic of the essay in a different manner. It is also important for you to be able to show that you know what points are important to discuss in terms of relevance in the essay. That is why you should strive to outline as much of the discussion you will be presenting to the reader. Just so there won't be any surprises and you will have a guideline in terms of what you hope to discuss in the essay.

I wish you had presented the completed prompt. That way I could make a more accurate prediction of the possible score you could have gotten for this essay. I also have some apprehensions about your extremely short conclusion. It lacks the proper information such as the restated prompt, opinions discussed, and your opinion. Remember, the conclusion is the closing summary of the previously discussed topics and shows that you understood the discussion you presented.
OP chikachika 2 / 2  
Feb 6, 2017   #5
Thank you for reading my writing. As I am more familiar with verbal english, I have difficult with putting words into a beautiful sentence. But still, I will do more reading and learning more structures to make my writing more elaborative.

Again, thanks for your advice!

Sorry, I 've just joined this forum yesterday so there were so many things to get used to.
I sincerely appreciate your comment. It helps me a lot!
I will take your advice and apply it to my study :D
Thank you!
Have a good day :D

Thank you for your comment. I will notice that and try to make it more clear in my next writing.

Home / Writing Feedback / The crucial part of being happy lies in one's everyday attitude towards life.