Hi,
Could someone help me review my writing for IELTS writing task? thx a lot for any comments
BR
IELTS GT Writing Task2
Some people think that cultural traditions will be destroyed when they are used as money-making machines aims at tourists, other people believe that it is the only way to save such conditions in the world today. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.
Nowadays there are different views about the way to preserve cultural traditions. Some people think it is only possible to save cultural traditions by making those traditions profitable, for example to attract tourists in order to make money. While others have a totally different idea, they are worried that those traditions will be destroyed when used as money-machine.
It is totally understandable that some people are worried about the destiny of cultural traditions when they are used to attract tourists. When a cultural tradition is used as a business to make money, its destiny can not be fully controlled by itself. The investors may deliberately modify some parts of the tradition in order to make it more profitable and more attractive. There is a famous local opera, which is similar with Beijing Opera, in my home town, and the local government hopes to attract tourists by it. Since this local opera has a history of more than 200 years, it is not easy to understand for most of the tourists because they don`t have background knowledge. In order to make tourists like it, local government replace most of its content with different pronunciation in order to make it easier for tourists to understand. In my opinion, they may destroy the opera by doing this.
On the other hand, we see lots of cultural traditions nowadays facing serious problems simply because people can not make a living out of them. The key factor for preserving a cultural tradition is people. Without people, it is not possible to keep the tradition. In my home town, there is a small village where local people has a tradition of painting for Spring Festival. In the past, they painted and sold the paintings on the market before the festival. However nowadays there is much less people who keep this tradition of painting because it takes time and not profitable thanks to modern printing technique. In order to keep cultural traditions, we need to make them self-sustainable.
As far as I am concerned, it is a good thing that people can make money by keeping their cultural traditions. They can concentrate on those traditions if they don`t need to worry about how to raise their families. The most important thing is to find a balance between keeping the pure cultural traditions and making them profitable. We should neither replace a tradition by fake one just for making more money, nor abandon a tradition because it is no longer profitable. Our society or government also should take responsibility for keeping cultural tradition by encouraging people to keep them.
Carol, this is an excellent first try at an IELTS GT. You were ble to properly develop opinions in both the pro and con sections, as well as present a clear personal opinion on the matter. The only shortcoming of your essay has to do with your introduction paragraph. While you did manage to present both sides of the argument, you were not able to present your personal opinion in an overview form as the prompt instructed you to do so. Keep in mind that when you write an introduction, you need to reflect all of the prompt requirements in the paragraph. This is because the first paragraph will be the examiner's basis as to what to expect in your flow of discussion in the succeeding paragraphs. Whenever possible, refer to the prompt again before you move on to the next paragraph just to make sure that you have covered all of the bases.
Now, these standard essays normally carry 5 paragraphs. That is the requirement of the essay writing portion. That covers an introduction, an opposing side, a supporting side, your opinion, and then your conclusion. In this particular essay, you covered 4 out of 5. Had you developed a proper conclusion for your essay after you presented your opinion, you would most certainly have scored quite highly on this test. This essay would most likely have gotten a higher score had all of the prompt requirements and format expectations been met when you wrote it.
I will not comment much on the grammar problems of your essay as you have a pretty decent grasp of the English language, manage to think well in the English tongue, and have a knack for writing in the same language. While there are some grammar problems, it did not have an effect on the opinion you were presenting so the grammar problems would not have affected your final score too much. Although some points will be deducted due to any grammar mistakes, it won't be so large that you will not pass the test. This essay, even with all its errors, will still get a pretty decent grade as an actual test.
