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my dad teaches me and has a big influence on me


nee 1 / 1  
Jan 25, 2011   #1
Hello everyone please give me feedback about the following simple paragraph that i wrote it on one who has made an impact on my life. I'm ready to hear your comment . thanks

My dad has a big influence on me. He always teaches me how to be a successful in my life. Therefore , he kept his eye on me when I was a student while studying .He usually sat next to me and asked about the tough points that could face me . He gave me instructions in my study and tried to be beside me .He encouraged me to be something in the future. Therefore, he was ready to pay anything that could help me in my study. For example. I still remember one day when my dad brought me a laptop because I asked him for it when I had a research for the history teacher. I think I owned him most of my success in my career to my father.

aek200 1 / 8  
Jan 25, 2011   #2
My dad, naturally, has always been an influence in my life. Always keeping his eye on me when I was a student, he seemed to make it a mission to show me how to be successful in my life. He kept his eye on me throughout my studies, sitting next to me late at night to talk me through the tough points in my life. He gave me instructions in my study and never failed stay by my side. In brief, he has encourage me to be something in the future. For instance, I still remember when my dad bought me a laptop when I had a research project due for my history teacher. I owe most of my success, passion, and I suppose a laptop, to my father.

I don't really think there's a strong point here, but if you must, here is a better way to put it? I don't understand why you're putting the laptop thing in there...it's not really strong and doesn't say much- many fathers get their kids computers and it shouldn't be why he's influenced you. Try to think of some small anecdote where he has taught you a life lesson or helped you through a hard time.

good luck, alex
khushiGul 3 / 13  
Jan 25, 2011   #3
You wrote well. I don't think your example is correlated.
OP nee 1 / 1  
Jan 26, 2011   #4
Thanks for your help and I appreciate it
EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
Feb 1, 2011   #5
This is a good start, but you should look through to find the first excellent sentence:
My dad has a big influence on me. He always teaches me how to be a successful in my life. Therefore , he always kept his eye on me when I was a student while studying .He usually sat next to me and asked about ...

Cut the stuff that does not help, and leave only the best words!

Also, you are using a word the wrong way here:
I think I owned owe him most of my success in my career to my father.

:-)


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