The use of electronic media has negative effects on personal relationships between people.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In the recent years, electronic media commonly used by people in the hemisphere. One of negative effects has shown which is personal relationship become interrupted. In my view, i extent to agree because direct communication is more important than communication which is used electronic media
Handphone is a common technology which is used by people to communicate without seeing each other.This type of indirect communication has an advantage such as we can communicate with colleagues have a distance with us. We can keep in touch with them using social media. For example, people who work far away from their family hang them life to their phone because that is the only way so that people can communicate with family or colleagues from distance.
On the other hand, using handphone usually make people less aware of people around them. Feeling happy with their own world through their handphone. Because of handing the gadget, they can forget people around them. For instance, people who come to the mall for little reunion with friends, ending to talk with their handphone and do not talk to each other. That is the reason why electronic media can ruin our relationship with others. As a result, Because of high technology attraction, people become uncared with their surroundings.
In conclusion, it is true that electronic media can take care of relationship among colleagues in distance. However, the negative effect of using electronic media is more problematic. I suggest to using the electronic media wisely so that we can divide time for people around us.
Hi Annisa,
My feedback would be for the general aspects of your essay, especially in sentence structure. You have major errors in composing sentences and therefore, you are in dire need for an upgrade.
1st paragraph:
- In the recent yearsThese days , electronic media is / are(either is or are can be used. It depends on your intention, if you want to make it plural, use are until the end of the essay, and vice versa) commonly used by people in the hemisphereworld(hemisphere is usually divided into two parts. Southern hemisphere and Northern hemisphere) .
- One of the negative effects has shown which isindicates that personal relationship becomehas been interrupted.
- In my view, i extentI tend to / I have a tendency / I personally / I strongly / I firmly agree because (...) than communication which is usedvia / through electronic media.
... fragmented sentence like this "They/PeopleFeeling happyfeel happy with their own world through their handphonecellphones. " Can you see where is the subject or the verb? You need to remember a proper sentence needs to have at least one sentence or one verb for each. Making fragmented sentence would not be good for your grammatical range and accuracy if you want to reach band 6 or above.
Hope this helps :)
@ifraanisa05
One of the negative effects has shown whichis interruption of personal relationship become interrupted . In my view, i extent to agree becauseI believe direct communications is more important than communicationswhich is used via electronic media.
Handphone is a common technologyelectronic gadgetwhich is used ....
An advantage of this type of indirect communication is it enables people that are in a distant to communicate, such as video chatting application in the social media.
For Example, family members, friends and colleagues separated in a long distance can make use of electronic media to stay in touch.
On the other hand, handphone has its down side as people tends to focus too much on their handphone until they ignore everything in the surroundings
As an example, people who supposed to have a gathering in the mall ended up spending more times talking through the handphone instead of having a conversation with others in person. This is a proof that shows electronic media can ruin our relationship with others and as a result, people become lost touch with their surroundings.
In conclusion, it is true that electronic media does bring the relationship closer for people separated in a distant, however the negative impact of it is more significant. I suggest using the electronic media wisely as people and things that happening in our surroundings are equally important.
Good luck ... Semoga berjaya ....
Hi Ifra
In the recent years, electronic media is commonly used by people in the hemisphere
1) Well, hemisphere usually use for scientific purpose for example astronomy. It not proper if you paraphrase "world" with hemisphere in that topic of your essay
2) negative sentence ---> is + commonly + used
Handphonehand phone is a common technology which ...
3) The correct is you must add space between hand and phone
... people less aware ofto the people around them because they feel Feeling happy with their own ...
4) it more appropriate and linked each other
, people become uncared withuncared for their surroundings.
5) uncared + for ---> look at the Cambridge .
Common Suggestion : REPETITON OF HAND PHONE IS TOO MUCH ---. Paraphrase it with MOBILE / MOBILE PHONE / SMART PHONE / or you can mention the brand iPHONE / ANDROID
Hi Ifra, I'm going to make several comments
1. ... which is personal relationship become interrupted ...
You need to erase 'is' because there is a verb
2. which is useduses electronic media
You can use active than passive because in the meaning it is more appropriate to use active and because in the first phrase you use simple present, just continue to use it.
3. ...communicate with colleagues that have a distance with us ...
It is better to use conjunction between two phrases
Thank you
Break a leg
HELLO FRA, i give you some suggestions, here they are...
..., electronic media [is >> because this sentence refers to passive form ] commonly used by ...
Handphone [hand phone ] is a common technology ...
... because that is the only way [it is better if you put fulstop here ] so that [it is better if you put punctuation mark here ] people can ...
..., people become uncared [careless ] with their surroundings.
GLUCK:D
