Can you proofread my essay? My introduction is short, and my conclusion is repetitive to what I've already said. I need to make my essay a little longer. I tried to expand my analysis as much I can. What are your suggestions for improvement? Thanks for the help!
Look at this one. I made some more changes. Can you proofread my essay? My introduction is short, and my conclusion is repetitive to what I've already said. I need to make my essay a little longer. I tried to expand my analysis as much I can. What are your suggestions for improvement? Thanks for the help!
The changes I made are in bold. Can you read and see if it is okay? What are your suggestions for improvement? Thanks for the help!
In "The Sparkling Bitch," Pauline Melville claims the city of London had become "a sparkling bitch in glass petticoats with see-through flighty underwear" (375). These images suggest the city presents deceptions through its external appearance. The city's "sparkling" exhibition is merely an illusion that masks its identity. Truly, the new London is morally inferior to the old city.
Charles Hay, who heads Hay Oil Incorporated, has an immoral influence on the new London. Hay's concern with his appearance is a reflection of the corruption of himself as well as the city. The speaker describes, "Manicured hands in double-cuffed shirts with monogrammed gold cuff-links flicked through the day's business papers... He understood the primacy of image" (376). Regarding image as the most important aspect of his company, Hay reveals his shallowness. His "manicured hands" and "monogrammed gold cuff-links" exhibit his materialism and egotism. While exploiting his workers, Hay is able to enjoy the luxury of enhancing his appearance. Hay simply reads the day's business papers and checks on the company's progress.
The control Hay exerts to establish the company's good appearance causes the city to appear unreal. The speaker describes, "If there was something slightly fake about the advertisements, the impression that the perfect marble pillars and white cornices were a façade, a film set rather than the real thing, it was international" (376). The façade that is created by the "perfect marble" and "white cornices" is alluding to the concealment of Hay's great personal benefits over those of the oppressed laborers. As a result, nothing appears real. The speaker states, "Everything inside the entrance lobby was elegantly faked. Marble-clad floors. Artificial streams and waterfalls...The air too was fake, warm and humid on a bright cold spring day. There were fake smiles on the lips of secretaries..." (376). Classifying everything as "elegantly" fake, the speaker shows that the fake appearance of the city is ingeniously and deliberately concealed. The illusion that the entire place is artificial reflects how Hay tainted the place with his self-interest.
The lack of morality of the city is also shown when the offices of the company are structured according to image. The speaker states, "One section of the public relations team was employed solely to keep an eye on the appearance and demeanour of the workforce...Anyone with a marginally unclean collar, bitten finger nails, scuffed shoes, dandruff or any other hint of lack of personal hygiene was liable to be hauled up in front of him (377). Hay's obsession with the company's appearance causes him to go as far to enforce hygiene on his workers. By doing so, he is controlling both his employees' work and their personal lives. Hay forces his employees to control the uncontrollable dandruffs and bad habits of biting their fingernails.
Thus, the new London loses its morality. Hay's greed and power are demeaning to others. Hay does not put any effort into or contribute to the company's earnings. He only observes the progress. The city is centered on images that are false. The employees are forced to display a good image for the company.
Greetings!
I think you've got a good start! Because a conclusion is meant to summarize what came previously, being repetitive in it is not necessarily a bad thing. However, you haven't really plumbed the depths of how the new London has lost its morality. Not having read the story, I can't be sure, but it seems to me that there must be more to it than simply Hay's obsession with appearance. You say "Hay's concern with his appearance causes the city to be corrupt. " That doesn't sound right to me. I suspect that it would be more accurate to say that his concern with appearance is a reflection of his own corruption, and perhaps that of the city as well. What does the story say about the new London, as opposed to the old London? You say " The new London is not morally superior to the old city." Was it supposed to be? Where did that thought come from? I think perhaps you need to dig a little deeper with your analysis.
I hope this helps!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
Greetings!
It can be tempting, sometimes, to overexplain things in an essay, especially if you are having trouble filling the required word count. But simply repeating in your own words what you have already quoted from the story is not analysis. This sentence is both repetitive and grammatically incorrect: "Hay forces his employees to control the uncontrollable dandruffs and bad habits of biting their fingernails." My suggestion is that you delete it. Instead, consider looking underneath Hay's obsession with appearance. What drives it? Why is focusing on appearance immoral?
Also, check this sentence to see if you quoted it correctly: ""If there was something slightly fake about the advertisements, the impression that the perfect marble pillars and white cornices were a façade, a film set rather than the real thing, it was international" - are you sure it says "international" and not "intentional"?
Your first sentence in bold is fine. It might be better to say "In truth," instead of "Truly."
Keep up the good work!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
