Folks... I would like to have your feedback on my IELTS essay
In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.
Discuss the advantages and the disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.
Being mature, a terminology is usually used for the youngsters who successfully completed their study-phase in high school. People tend to think that those adolescence are already able to determine their life pattern. While many people encourage them to have 12-months working or travelling, some others, however, claim it is always better to begin university studies as soon as finishing high school. This essay will discuss the benefits as well as the detrimental effect of having a year break.
To begin with, not continue directly to university studies comes up some positive point. Earning money as soon as possible considered by some people is always the best option. Collecting money for preparing university expenses rather than to be dependent on parents' is lofty idea. Ability to be responsible for ourselves can clearly make parents to be proud having such son or daughter. Besides, for those deciding having travel in order to get valuable experience drive them to be more ready, facing uni life which is full of unexpected challenge. Another beneficial point from travelling while young is to widen their insight of thought in order to be an extraordinary university student later.
In the other side, however, some people think that the sooner we start the uni the better we will be. Firstly, well-known companies have tendency to hire at least bachelor graduates in the younger ages. It is probably due to the employers want them to be trained in advance before entering the real workforce and sign contract to work permanently until retired. Clearly, the younger the ages of employee candidate the longer they work for the company which is good as the company no need to hold recruitment many times as it is money-consuming.
After analyzing both views concerning positive and negative sides of continuing directly to university after high school, it seems each side has reasonable reason for choosing. It is up to us to decide which one is better based their certain circumstances.
- People tend to think that those
adolescenceadults ( adolescence refers to a stage in life and not to a person ) are already able to determine their life pattern.
- To begin with, not to continue directly to university studies comes up some positive point.
FirstlyFirst , well-known companies have tendency...
- t is probably due to the fact that employers want them to be trained in advance before entering the real workforce and sign contract to work permanently until they
- Clearly, the younger the
ages of employee candidateis the longer they work for the company which is good as the company nodon't need to hold recruitment many times as it is money-consumingfinancially and time consuming. .
- It is up to us to decide which one is better based
theiron certain circumstances.
Kara, your writing was good. The essay was good however you need to take note of the following;
- grammar and sentence construction, I have some input above and revised a few sentences for you.
- your logic and punctuation marks are good
I suggest that you keep writing and read more so you can widen your vocabulary and be able to write better.
I have given you some suggestions. I would like to give you more suggestions. I will continue to review this so I can help assist you.
-The first sentence I find confusing. I think you mean to state that, "Being mature is terminology that is usually used for young people who successfully complete..."
-I think you should begin the 2nd paragraph by stating that not attending a university after high school can have its advantages. If you state "some positive point", the reader can have difficulty understanding the meaning.
-The construction of the next sentence is good but you need to make some changes. Ex: "Earning money as soon as possible is considered by some people as the best option."
-If a student is collecting money, then they may or may not have to earn it. However, if they are saving money while they are earning it, then they are saving money for university expenses.
I am sorry, it took so long to assist you with the next portion of your essay. I hope these suggestion help you to develop your writing.
-You should discuss how traveling will give students valuable experience to prepare them to attend a university.
-You can describe this widening of insight as becoming more insightful. It will be a simple description but still have meaning.
-You attempted to use a transition word, which is great. In the other side should be changed to, "On the other hand".
-Remember to completely write out university in your paper.
-It is common to describe bachelor graduates as graduates with bachelor degrees. Also, Younger ages could have a different meaning. A way to construct or write a sentence like this would be to describe the graduates. Ex: "...younger graduates with bachelor degrees."
-The next sentence may cost employers money, so they may want more experienced workers. You could possibly discuss how it could save the employer costs, hiring younger graduates.
-You should change your end to reflect that each side may have reasons for choosing work or a university education.
-You could change the subject of the essay when you say it is up to us. You should discuss how the students have to decide based upon their circumstances.