I've just started to practise IELTS writing task 2, and i would greatly appreciate it if you kindly give me some feedback on my writing in this post.
MUST THE RISE OF TECHNOLOGY BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DOWNFALL OF COMMUNICATION?
Today more and more people are using mobile phones and computers. Thus, people are losing the ability to communicate face to face. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is argued that the widespread use of computers and mobile phones is responsible for the loss of human ability to communicate face to face. While i accept that the prevalence of these modern devices may negatively affect people's communication skills, i believe that with proper use, this can benefit people in terms of personal communication.
On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why computers and mobile phones have to take responsibility for the downfall of face-to-face communication. One reason is that the excessive use of these devices discourages real interaction. Young people nowadays tend to spend a large proportion of their time on computer screens or their cell phones rather than with their family members and friends. For example, mealtimes when all the family used to get together are becoming a thing of the past. Furthermore, the misuse of personal electronic devices may bring about less time spent practising and developing communication skills that are essential when people want to express themselves cogently and with clarity. For instance, my close friend who is addicted to playing games on his cell phone had considerable difficulty in articulating his point of view when required to give a speech in front of the class.
On the other hand, computers and mobile phones can bring benefits to people who want to communicate face to face more effectively in many ways. First, there are numerous tutorial videos on the Internet with regard to communication skills. Therefore, people can easily access such videos via mobile devices and gain valuable insights into how to have a good conversation. For example, by putting what he had learned from videos about job interviews on YouTube, my brother successfully landed his dream job at GSK, one of the world's largest pharmaceutical companies. In addition, the prevalence of mobile devices can give young people countless opportunities to develop their language skills. As a result, they will become more confident and find it much easier to have a conversation with native speakers when studying abroad.
For the reasons mentioned above, it is true that the usage of computers and mobile phones can have a negative impact on people's ability to communicate face to face, but i believe that these modern tools can help to develop communication skills, if they are used wisely and properly.
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Tuan, this being an extent essay, you must respond to the question being asked in the manner expected. This is not a simple opinion essay. This is a measured opinion essay. Therefore, to respond by simply saying that you believe in something related to the discussion topic is incorrect. You need to respond by not only paraphrasing the original prompt, but you must also mention the measurement of (dis)agreement with the statement. The thesis statement / prompt response for this essay, based upon what I read in your final paragraph, it appears that you agree with the given statement. However, you are not in total agreement with the statement either. This is where the problem with your essay comes in.
You are actually delivering a confused statement here. You cannot be both in agreement and disagreement with the given statement. You need to pick one side for the discussion and stick to it or, make it clear from the very beginning that you do not fully agree by stating that; "I partially agree with the given statement due to a number of reasons." Without that extent statement of partial agreement, your total essay fails to make sense as it does not properly respond to the task requirements.
Consider defending only one side of the discussion as part of your extent statement in order to avoid confusion next time. If you think about which side you truly support more, you can indicate that you strongly, totally, or unequivocally support a particular discussion side. This makes it easier for you to write the essay because you avoid the need to do a comparison discussion which, in your case, created the confusing point of view and lack of proper extent statement at the start of the discussion.
Don't get me wrong, you show that you understood the prompt topic but not the discussion instruction. Your discussion paragraphs also show that you are capable
of properly thinking of supporting explanations and appropriate examples for your statements. Those are the positive points that you can take from this particular exercise. The problem is that your unfamiliarity with the discussion style caused you to not respond to the prompt instructions in the expected manner. That is why this essay will most likely have a difficult time getting a passing score in an actual test setting.
There are more than enough examples of extent essays at this forum that you can refer to in order to learn how to better address the various Task 2 essay prompts. I encourage you to read those essays along with the advice given for the correction so that you can learn and apply the lessons to your future work.
Thank you so much for your kind and constructive feedback! I really appreciate your taking the time to reply. i'm still struggling with this kind of essay, but your response surely gives me a better understanding about how to properly respond to the task requirements.
cogently you mean coherently?
Also, you've written too long which exceed 250 words a lot for an Ielts task 2 essay. Try to shorten your essay next time, by do not overdiscuss.
Your flow of ideas is spot-on in my opinion.