Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Decrease number of overweight needs further solutions by educating the importance of nutrients

Desty22 13 / 20 1  
Apr 5, 2016   #1
Obesity is now a major global epidemic. What can be done to tackle this increasingly common problem?

One current a healthy issue is overweight in the world. This problem is not only occur in developing countries, but it also immerges in some developed countries such US and Europe. Then, Decrease number of overweight needs further solutions by educating the importance of nutrients to keep human body fit and promoting the advantages life healthier.

To begin, eating habit effect the percentage of obesity at this time. Individuals tend consuming fast food than healthy meal because it is the easy one find and have lower price. For example, the fast food restaurant has been developing well by using franchise system and the number still counting until now. Since this food has less beneficial nutrients to human body and enormous fat percentage, it gives bigger contribution to our healthy system such as debilitating illness, cardiovascular and cancer.

In term of solutions, there are several ways to solve this issue. Firstly, it is the vital that state provides sufficient number of sport facilities with better structure. It would attract persons to have daily routine to exercise. Secondly, it would be better if government provide information regarding to beneficial thing having healthy life style. In detailed, state can use the power of media such as television and social media to promote healthy life style effect with what you have ate regularly

To conclude, some causes present the impact of overweight so that ministry and society should work together regarding decrease number of overweight in the world.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Apr 5, 2016   #2
Desty, you only need 6 MORE WORDS to fulfill your task achievement. It is so unfortunate if you keep writing this way, you will get a penalty from the examiner, which means you are not able to attain your desirable score in IELTS. My solution here, you need to elaborate your conclusion, since your conclusion is too short by only 1 sentence. In addition, your introduction paragraph needs 1 more sentence in order to mention your opinion towards the issue.

This is what you need to consider in composing an introductory paragraph, and a conclusion paragraph:

1. Give some background to the topic and refer to the topic of the essay using some facts (taken from the question if they are included). Reverse some of the information, paraphrase, and use some synonyms.

2. Tell the reader what will be in your essay (thesis statement).

1. Use a transition to show it is the conclusion
2. Repeat your thesis statement (the final sentence of your introduction) in different words (using some synonyms)
3. Give some personal opinions, or your hopes, fears, recommendations about the issue.

Hope this helps. Keep practicing!
angga93 42 / 74 20  
Apr 6, 2016   #3
Hello Desty, I notice that your body paragraphs is differed by (1) causes and (2) solution. However, i need much time to figure it out because beside you do not mention it in your overview, you also do not give the reader a clue about the idea of your first body (in the beginning of the paragraph). After reading your introduction, my first perspective is that you will write about the widespread obesity problem in your first body. Thus, i kind of surprised when i end up with reading the causes instead of finding information about this epidemic. It is really important to make our body paragraph coherence with your introduction.

Home / Writing Feedback / Decrease number of overweight needs further solutions by educating the importance of nutrients