I stumbled upon this site thru some searching on google. I would like to get some feed back for my descriptive essay. I chosed "The best meal I have ever eaten..", from a list in class. Im fairly happy with the essay as of this point. Had trouble coming up with descriptive words to really color the picture for the reader so my thesaurus was in full use =). But here it is, all feed back will be appreciated. Thanx!
"The most delicious meal I have ever eaten..."
Coming home from a long shift from work, my girlfriend greeted me at the front door of our house with a big warm hug and a smile. As we catch up with our day, I smelled the most alluring aroma coming from the kitchen. "I cooked up something special for us today", she announced excitedly. I follow my nose to the kitchen to find a delicious collection of shrimp, rice, clams, slices of beef and vegetables surrounding a big bubbling pot in the center of our table. Eyes wide open and nostrils flaring, my mouth immediately floods with salivation as I gaze at the most appetizing view.
We sit at the table already prepped with plates, silverware, napkins and a pair of ladles. The pot in the center of the table is angry with boiling solution. The plump shrimp and slices of savory beef are still cold and fresh in their packages while the mushrooms, onions and carrots have been chopped to pairs of dice. The clams are nestled neatly in a bowl of ice and the rice is steaming from a tall bowl awaiting consumption. Finally, we gently place a few slices of beef and shrimp into the pot with the ladles for our first taste.
To my surprise, the food only takes a few minutes to heat in the pot before it is fully cooked. With my ladle, I fish out the shrimp and slices of beef and plant them in my mouth. A delicious fireworks display sets off immediately! The beef melts in my mouth without any real effort of chewing, while the shrimp mimics a velvety texture. I load the ladle with vegetables and dunk it in the pot for my next fixing. After a few moments, I am overwhelmed with savory mounds of organic goodness. As I absorb the luscious delicacies I am taken into nirvana, then I take a moment to organize my thoughts as my brain is overloaded with sensory pleasure.
I try the clams and the rice next, without disappointment, I get sent off into a roller coaster ride of flavors. The clams are silky in texture as they slide around my throat. The rice is warm and wholesome as the grains it was harvest from. The soup is abounding with spices and herbs that tickle my mouth as they dance with my tongue. My brain gets rocketed into another world as it tries to make sense of all the variety of tastes and smells as I continuously bombard myself uncontrollably with food. After what seemed like an everlasting event, we finished a feast.
My brain and the sensory neurons from my tongue have been exhausted as they had never experienced such a sensation. My stomach is at full capacity but humbled as it hugs my hips for the pleasing event. My girlfriend had prepared a master piece symphony. This has been the most delicious meal I have ever eaten.
Coming home from a long shift
from at work...hmmm...what strikes me is the back and forth of tenses throughout the essay. Be sure to read through this and match the tenses; had, was, has, is. I'll get back to you if you come back to the site. Otherwise, I'll be busy roasting a fat chicken while gathering rosemary and thyme from the garden, rolling the herbs gently between my fingers to test their ripeness, and sniffing the aroma of each one to be sure it will meet with the chicken's approval. I am starving!
Teehee! Blue skies!
Coming home from a long shift from work, my girlfriend greeted me at the front door
This is called a dangling modifier. It implies that your girlfriend was coming home from work, because that modifier is closest in the sentence to her. All you have to do is to put the 'coming home' part after you are mentioned.
You also have, as mentioned, past and present all mingled. Choose one and stay in it.
There are also way too many adjectives. I know that a good meal makes you want to describe everything, but you can overdo it. There is an awkwardness about some of your descriptions just because of that.