dear friends, please help me correct my tf essay, i used to put it once, however there were some mistakes, and i have rewritten it. i hope i have made some progress.
thank you.
As the demand of modern society for comprehensive talents is increasing urgently, accumulating number of people pour into college for further education. More importantly, they devote themselves to gaining new experiences, getting more knowledge and making career preparation.
The first reason I am presenting here is that a college is the place where students can perfect knowledge. A high school provides basic knowledge, such as biology or computer introductory, which is too plain for the future. By contrast, not only does college education offer various campus life, but professional information about the subject that you are majoring in. According to a survey conducted by Tsinghua University last year, 87.69%of the fresh employees in the top 50 firms in China are university graduates. "It is graduates that apply what they have learned in college to work, benefits for technology innovation." a boss of an international firm said.
A college is regarded as a source of knowledge, however, it also provides us new experience. Living independently, we learn to cope with various problems from study and life. Different kinds of abilities, such as communication and cooperation are improved while optimistic personalities, like being talkative and considerate are shaped. For example, my sister, a manager in an international company, used to devote all herself to study and was not an outgoing person by nature. However, her college life provides her the opportunity to be a member of the student union and various sports teams. Through 2-year working for her college , she has become a leader person, with precious experience that she can not learn from books. Thus, experience getting from college has a crucial effect on our growth.
Another primarily contributed factor is career preparation. Either knowledge or experience is the basis for future career. Sufficient knowledge and experience gained from universities enable people be in direction of their ideal career. So we are making preparation for future career indirectly when are in college.
Takeing all I mentioned above into consideration, we can reach the conclusion that career preparation, new experiences and increased knowledge are the cornerstones for stepping into society.
I'd like to say that, you organize this essay very well and the 1st and 2nd paragraphs of the main body part is pretty good. The view point is clear and the support is strong. However, I think that you should add some specific information in the 4th paragraph(career preparation) to make it strong and let this essay be more balance. And in the last part, you've mentioned that "we can reach the conclusion that career preparation, new experiences and increased knowledge are the cornerstones for stepping into society ". However, in my opinion, this essay should mainly about the reasons for people to attend university and come to a relative conclusion like "In conclusion, the three reasons I mentioned above is the reason for entering university" or something like this, but not a "new" conclusion of "cornerstone for stepping into society".
After all, your have a better writing ability than me. So what advice I give you may should be reconsidered. Hope to be helpful to U.
BTW, I notice that you talked about a research about China. Are U Chinese? If you are, that would be so amazing, because I am a Chinese.
