IELTS Writing Task 2
Could any expert help me to check it? I'm not sure if this paragraph can get good grades
Task:
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
It is always a controversy to cultivate the children to be competitive or to teach them how to complete a task with co-operation. In my opinion, the incubation towards the sense of collaboration is undoubtedly better for the kids.
As the rapid development of many countries, most of them are already utilizing artificial intelligence and super computer to aid themselves, such as calculating, rendering, monitoring or even constructing to pursue the highest efficiency, which means the expert in every field may be replaced in the future. Numerous of data can be found by anyone, anywhere and anytime, for instance, even a child is able to know the knowledge of PHD's degree by surfing the Internet. The knowledge is much more accessible in comparison to the past decades, in other words, the human being should do something that artificial intelligence cannot reach such as practicing having efficient conversation or discussion with others instead of keep studying to make yourself more professional and competitive.
The frequency of having chat with others may associated with one's mental health. According to the research from many psychologists, the characteristic of the career has a strong connection which leads directly to one's psychological condition. The jobs which need a lot of contact with others is able to stimulate the nerves in brain, while the jobs spend most of the time in front of the computer and lack of social with colleagues may generate the negative influences to the brain cells.
In conclusion, I believe that the children which equipped with the ability to having great conversation with others will live a better life compare to those who always studying. People who isolates oneself may cause the damaging outcome of their mental health, while those who talking constantly will have the opposite effect.
