IELTS task 1: Describe the trend of three diffrent type of domestic access to modern technology

Hello everyone, I am a beginner in studying IETLS, help me fix my writing task 1 and give me some idea to improve. Thank you very much

access to modern technology in UK's homes

The figure illustrates the proportion of domestic access to modern technology by UK residents. In general, all the percentages of access to difference technology increase by the period. Additionally, there was an appearance of internet access in the year 1998/99.

By contrast, the proportion of UK resident using CD player increased significantly from 60% in 1996/97 to over 80% in the year 2002/03 and was also the largest in 4 different types of technology in 2002/03. Similarly, the percentage of using home computer steadily rose from nearly 30% to approximately 55%.

Looking at the graph, there was a dramatic rise in the percentage of people using mobile phone between 1996/97 and 2002/03 from under 20% to 70% and took second place. As the graph shows the number of UK percentage using internet access just appeared until the year 1998/99 at 10% proportion and rose significantly to over 40% in 2002/2003.

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I thinks this essay is good so far. As you illustrated what is in the graph exactly with no grammer mistakes. Just two things be aware of

.....the largest in 4different types......
It is highly recommended that the number 4 and numbers under 10 should be spelled out.
.....people using mobile phone between 1996/97.....
You must put the before mobile phone.
I hope this helps

Loc, you have written the minimum number of words for this essay but you have only written 2 run on sentences per paragraph and you have also not met the 4 paragraph requirement for this essay. Your summary overview is incomplete, you do not properly identify the figure you were given to review even though the type of image was already provided to you in the instructions, and you lack a proper comparison of overlapping points within the essay. These are but some of the major problems in your presentation that would bring your scoring consideration down in the end.

The summary overview should have been presented as follows:

A line graph has been provided for comparison purposes. The graph contains the percentage of home based access to new gadgets in UK homes. These gadgets include a CD player, mobile phone, home computer, and finally, internet access. The comparisons are done on a year on year basis starting in 1996 up tp 2003. There is an upward trend in the access of all 4 gadgets from the home.

Please note that the summary overview includes a summary of all the required information, which also serves as the outline for your discussion in the essay. Having outlined the paper in this manner, a proper paragraph of at least 3 sentences (the minimum requirement) would have been met. The overlapping information regarding mobile and home computer access would have increased your TA score as you would have been able to present the proper comparison point as indicated in the essay.

Overall, not a bad start, Simple improvements are required which you can accomplish based upon my evaluation above. Keep practicing. I am sure you will get better over time. I look forward to reading your next essay.

Thank you a lot. Your feedback is very useful to me. I will try harder the next time.