this is the outline for a paper that im writing for my creative writing class, its describing a scene from my life. its the last time that i saw my friends. as i said its just the outline, i mean the order that i want to say things and my thoughts and ideas.
i would love to know what u think about it. let me know plz. thanks to u guys all. :)
~For the hundredth time on that night my hand slept down into my purse; moving panicky until it touched the cold glossy paper of my tickets. My heart calmed, although I well knew that it wouldn't take more than 5 minutes till my hands return into my purse.
~My friends were going to come and meet me at my grandmother's place. I was anxious. I had my letters that I had written for them a few days back in my hand, sitting among my relatives.
~The one who usually answers the door in my grandmother's was my uncle but When the door bell rang, I sprang up and ran to the door before anybody moves.
~It was amazing, even at the time I knew I was leaving them I couldn't be sad;Their presence -their existence- was nothing but joy and happiness.
~I sighed, the moment was so gorgeous that I wanted it to last for ever. I looked upon their faces, memorizing each and every expression, every glare, every smile, and every twinkle in their eyes.
~"We promised not to cry, remember?" Maryam reminded me, misunderstanding my expression. "we didn't need to" I thought, stretching my hand to place it on her shoulder. "I'll miss you guys more than anything else."
~they stayed only for a few minutes, long enough to hand me their letters, post cards (which were meant to be for my next b day) and say good bye. In those short minutes, we repeated our old jokes, giggled about guys we used to know,
~sky was clear; darkest black with hundreds of shining dots.
~I watched the car till it disappeared at the of the curve of the street.
~I stood there, right in the middle of street. A cool wind blew into my hair; warning of a cold winter, I shuddered in my grandmother cherry red jacket, rising my head up to the sky, staring at each and every shining dot. I stood there until my mom called me in, before I walk back inside I took a deep breath and smiled wide; one thing was for sure: at least stars weren't going anywhere, they were all coming with me.
that is it. thank u again. :)
Could be good. You have some nice, specific details, and a solid theme centered around the power and importance of friendship. It will be interesting to read your first draft to see how you work the theme out in full.
A cool wind blew into my hair, warning of a cold winter, and I shuddered in my grandmother's cherry red jacket. Raising my head up to the sky, I stared at each and every shining dot.
Hey, this is great!! You wield language well, and it is good that you start with a list of ideas. Now put some of these together into paragraphs, and perhaps make most of them the first (i.e. topic) sentences of their own paragraphs. Make these ten lines into 8-10 paragraphs, and stay focused on the moral o the story. What is the moral of the story? The stars are indeed always going to be there, and that is cool. Similarly, in anciant Chinese meditation practice the body was metaphorically called one's "family." When you use meditation to take refuge in the sacred body or in sacred nature, well... you never have to worry about losing those things.
Tell the moral of the story in para #1, and then keep with it til that cool star sentence at the end.
thank you guys... it was really helpful :)
Snap shots of my life: the last time i saw my friends - creative essay
this is for my creative writing class, we have to describe a scene from our life.
there are so many grammerical and even more punctuation mistakes, i think. i really will apreciate it if u tell me what u think...
thanks.
For the hundredth time on that night my hand slept down into my purse; moving panicky until it touched the cold glossy paper of my tickets. My heart calmed, although I well knew that it wouldn't take more than 5 minutes till my hands return into my purse. next to the tickets I could feel the soft paper of an envelope; I wrapped my hand around it, holding it tight...and soon the flash back started:
"...I was in my grandmother's place, waiting anxiously. My friends were going to come and meet me there - I was going to meet them for one last time. I had my letters that I had written for them a few days back in my hand, sitting among my relatives, chewing on my lips, ripping off tissues or tapping on chair arms.
5 minutes after the promised time, The Door bell rang.
I sprang up my on my feet, and flashed out of the room. I ran to the backyard which was filled with roses and flowers planted by my grandma years and years ago -still smelling like heaven.
Excited and impatient I pulled the door open; and they were there, with all smiling faces. It was amazing, even at the time I knew I was leaving them I couldn't be sad; their presence -their existence- was nothing but joy and happiness.
I sighed; the moment was so gorgeous that I wanted it to last forever. I looked upon their faces, memorizing each and every expression, every glare, every smile, and every twinkle in their eyes.
"We promised not to cry, remember?" Maryam reminded me, misunderstanding my expression. "We didn't need to" I thought, stretching my hand to place it on her shoulder. "I'll miss you guys more than anything else." They stayed only for a few minutes, long enough to hand me their letters, post cards (which were meant to be for my next b day) and say good bye, then it was time to leave. I walked them out to their car, giving them one extra hug before they sit in it. Weaving and smiling I watched their car until it disappeared at the curve of the street."
I shook my head to come back to the present time. Pulling out my hand out of my purse, i walked out of the air port to get some fresh air.A cold wind blew into my hair; warning of a cold winter. I shuddered in my grandmother's cherry red jacket. Raising my head up to the sky, I stared at each and every shining dot. I stood there until my mom called me back, before I walk back inside I took a deep breath and smiled wide; one thing was for sure: at least stars weren't going anywhere; they were all coming with me.
Great essay. A couple of minor fixes:
" . . . soon the flash back started." Flashbacks are a cinematic technique, not an actual psychological occurrence. Use different phrasing here, for instance "My mind drifted back to when . . . "
"The doorbell rang."
For the hundredth time on that night my hand slipped down into my purse;...
My heart calmed, although I well knew that it wouldn't take more than 5 minutes till my handreturned into my purse.
I walked them out to their car, giving them one extra hug before they got in .
Pulling out my hand out of my purse, I walked out of the air port to get some fresh air.A cold wind blew into my hair; warning of a cold winter.
You really are such a good writer. This is a nice essay, here are just a couple of minor things, but you have great descriptions and did a fine job with this!
:)
