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descriptive writing: creating an exterior scene


learningtowrite 32 / 50  
Mar 2, 2008   #1
The bus rounded the corner and roared to a stop in front of Tang Plaza. The door folded open, and Kristy stepped down on the road. Immediately she was dazzled by the sparkling ornamental lights on the street. It was just two days to Christmas, after all. The pavements were packed with people: men and women, old and young, all sluggishly crawled down Orchard Road with their big boxes of presents. Through the curious eyes of the young girl, this glorious part of the city was no longer a shopping hub; it had become a theatre of lights. Isetan building had changed into a golden outfit, riveting in the starry night. The huge Christmas tree in front of Paragon was decorated with ornamental balls, stars and dolls, all in angelic white, mesmerizing. Camera flashed. People hand in hand walked down the road, sharing joy and laughter. Kristy crawled to a stop, turned back to have a good look at the street, and forced a smile. Probably she was the only one who got swallowed in this crowd, not knowing what she was after. She was the only one here alone.

It's been quite a long time I went on the forum, and gosh it has changed so much! Really missed it! Anyway, this is a small assignment of mine. Can you give me some advice? Thanks a lot!

EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Mar 3, 2008   #2
Greetings!

I'm happy to!

The pavements were packed with people: men and women, old and young, all sluggishly crawled down Orchard Road with their big boxes of presents. - "sluggishly" carries a sort of negative implication, as if they were doing so reluctantly. Perhaps better would be "all slowly lumbered down Orchard Road, burdened by their big boxes of presents."

Cameras flashed. - It's a little unclear whose cameras they are--shoppers'? tourists'?

Kristy crawled to a stop, turned back to have a good look at the street, - One normally thinks of a car crawling to a stop, but not a person. Perhaps you could find another word. Was she meandering?

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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