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Descriptive essay : Singapore during Japanese Occupation

Samuelsam123 12 / 46 20  
Dec 23, 2015   #1
The first incendiary bomb exploded at Bukit Timah Road on February 11, 1942. It was just how many miles away from my commodious house at Penang Road. Of course, I wouldn't have remembered these things, I read them only years later. Bater then, I was like any other 5-year-old kid, who cared only about when my next cartoon was screening, or only thought about playing with friends on the field. I lived in a luxurious house, we had everything we ever wanted. Grandpa named it ' Eden ', I never knew why. Maybe it was that our house was surrounded by lovely trees. Everything was harmonious until one day when our lives turned topsy-turvy.

At dusk, my mother woke me up , yelling: Wake up ! . Repeatedly at my ears like an annoying mosquito. I tried to cover my ear but she swept it away and pulled me up. Being half awake, i slowly walked towards the bathroom to do my daily business , when suddenly I was pulled back again and walked through the corridor to the living room. I loafed around, knowing nothing of what's going on. I saw my parents with the anxious look rushing in and out of the house with bags. My granpa was of no exception, he was racing as if old age hadn't hit him yet, it made me wondered if he was faking the whole time.

Having everything loaded, we hoped on to father's flashy vintage car. I was rather excited, wondering where we were going. When we left for the highway. I saw what shouldn't be seen in detail for any five-year-old. The neighbourhood was in total chaos. Dead bodies lay everywhere, a limb here and another limb there. It was unerving, the smell of death was everywhere. Buildings were burning, some turned in to ashes. It was like a macabre dream. The air was repleted with cries and screams. I closed my eyes, not wanting to remember these eerie things.

The next memory was at the country side, uncle was welcoming us with hugs. For once, I suddenly discovered how beautiful this place was. Fresh air filled my lungs, the wind gently caressed my skin. It was simply wonderful. I scanned the surroundings and saw a well and yelled into it.

Evening came, I curiously watched my parents placed sandbags behind the door.I asked why, but I received a grunt from them. They looked aged as if they lost their souls.

"HIDE!" Mother exclaimed.

My brother and I quickly hid under the bed. We had no idea what was going on. Then suddenly, I heard the door knocked. I ran down to have a look. When I was just about the catch a glimpse , mother covered my mouth and jerked me backwards.

"Get away from the door ." She whispered
"But..." I echoed

the throttling sound faded away, mother exhaled and let go of me.

How much would I get over 30 ? Is my essay kinda long winded ? how can I improve? Thanks! I welcome negative comments.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Dec 23, 2015   #2
Samuel, if I were scoring this essay, and without knowing the grading rubic requirements of your teacher, I would score this a 15. Mostly because there is a confusion in the way you told the story. Are you telling the story as a flashback? Or are you living the story? One minute, it sounds like you are recalling the experience of other people, probably based on their stories, then in the next breath, you seem to be living within the story you are narrating itself. You need to pick whether you will tell the story as a flashback or in real time as a participant. That should help clarify the story teller's point of view in the story.

The narration is pretty strong but in need of better transitions. The story is jumping around using weak transitions. The ending is also confusing. The story abruptly ends. There is no resolution to the story. There is no basis for the ending. This further creates weak points in your essay. These are the problems that have caused me to give it a mere "passing" score based upon my own criteria.

In order to strengthen the essay, make sure to pick the method by which you will be narrating the story, make sure that you know what kind of story you will be telling, and finally, know the kind of ending you will have for the story and how to present it. Right now, this is not bad as a draft. Don't try to pass it to your professor for a real grade though, it won't get a good one.
OP Samuelsam123 12 / 46 20  
Dec 23, 2015   #3
Thanks ! This was suppose to be my own experience

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