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Ielts Writing Task 2 about the designation of newly constructed building

Tongkhangte 1 / -  
Feb 7, 2021   #1
+Here is the topic:
Some people feel that the design of newly constructed buildings in big cities should be controlled by governments. Others believe those who finance the construction of a building should be free to design it as they see fit.

Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

+ And here is my answer:
In the new era of technology, there are more and more newly constructed buildings in urban designed by qualified and prestigious architecture. Urbanization causes a mass effect on the environment, by doing that, some people argued that the designation of new buildings in cities should be controlled in order to protect the environment. Others said that the construction of a building should be controlled by those who invested in it. I agree with the primary argument and I am going to discuss the detailed reason in the following essay.

On the one hand, why do government should take over the designation of a building? As I mentioned before, new buildings bring about a negative effect on the environment. It costs a great deal of money and materials to build a construction, materials have to be exploited and delivered - the process which could produce carbon dioxide. Governments take over in designing a building can help reduce the costs and materials, and to create an appropriate construction for society, because different communities have different culture and cognition.

On the other hand, some people believe those who finance in constructing a building should take the responsibility for designation. People believe that there are no other people who can do that work efficiently because they are the ones who started the building and provided a stable source of money for constructing a building, if not to say that they 'own' that building.

However, every community has its law and order, and not every building with different designs are legal and environmentally friendly. These days, global warming and greenhouse gases are the major problems around the globe, which urbanization contributes to this negative effect. So it is really essential for governments to control newly constructed buildings and enact new laws in designing a building in order to preserve natural resources and reduce greenhouse gases such as carbon dioxide.

In conclusion, governments need to control the design of newly constructed buildings because of environmental problems and societal purposes. Governments should not let a building constructed by individuals but by councils, it is the best option and has to do for us now.

P/s: Please help me evaluate this writing! I would really appreciate any helps.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,301 3340  
Feb 7, 2021   #2
The first sentence in your presentation does not make sense. It is trying to be impressive in presentation by using a complex presentation of words, that probably make sense in your mother tongue, but does not make sense, nor does it relate to the original prompt. It is a throw away sentence that did not help your prompt restatement. A clear prompt restatement focuses on 3 sentences that deliver the following only:

- The topic for the discussion
- Involved points of view or reasons for the discussion
- The thesis statement composed of 2 points of view = personal opinion (for this essay)

There is no need for the flowery opening sentences that do not move the essay forward. Rather, these irrelevant sentences tend to blur the meaning of the presentation and discussion in general. Focus on what matters, that is, the original prompt. There is no need to add anything to make the presentation more elaborate. You are scored on clarity first and foremost. Anything else you add removes the original concentration of the presentation and eliminates the clarity of your restatement.

Avoid using rhetorical questions in your presentation. That creates a prompt deviation that is not covered by the original prompt instead of presenting information based on the discussion requirements presented, you created a prompt deviation that will score you lower in the overall consideration. That is because you are presenting information that is not part of the original prompt. While your discussion is complex and truly analyzed, that prompt deviation in the first reasoning paragraph will be a huge drawback in your final scoring presentation due to the change in discussion topic that you applied for not reason.

You over discussed, over presented, exaggerated, and debated in an essay that only required a simplified discussion presentation within 5 comparative discussion paragraphs. You wrote too many words for 40 minute presentation and failed to actually consider the overall discussion requirements in the presentation.

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