Unanswered [19] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

"desire of good employment" - Why people attend college or university?


123nnt 4 / 11  
Jun 26, 2011   #1
"People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increase knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer."

We have seen a tremendous increase in the number of people going to university in the last few decades. Why? Have it been for the development of the education system? Do employers require employee to have a higher education? Let examine several reasons below.

According to many surveys, the main purpose of people when they attend university is to prepare for their future career. Now take a look at employers' opinions. As the world advances in many areas, companies, corporations and organizations require their employees to have deep knowledge of their fields. Imagine that you are a person who only graduates from high school. How can you take such complex, demanding jobs nowadays? It is a belief that if you have no higher education, you can only do manual labor or low-paid jobs. These kinds of occupation often accommodate no promotion or get higher salaries. Moreover, because of this belief, more and more people enroll in colleges and universities each year, which lead to the fact that it is very competitive to be accepted to a job. If you do not receive a higher education, you are in an unfavorable position.

Another reason why people attend college or university is the experiences. Going to universities for 4 years or more help you become mature. For example, every student will feel nervous when they live in a different academic environment - the university. Soon, they will have to change something in their views, thinking, or even characteristics to adapt to this new place. They gradually feel comfortable; therefore developing relationship with other students and professors, participating in campus' activities, which will develop and sharpen their social skills. Thus, they will gain new life experiences. Besides, they also learn about how to prepare for future career by many different ways. For instance, they will learn about cooperation, an important trait that employers need, through group projects and presentations at school. They can also spend 4 years to find their best suitable jobs and research about what companies and corporations consider when they hire new people.

In summation, going to university or college enables people to achieve their desire of good employment in the future by giving them substantial knowledge and experiences.

----
Are my reasons effective? Is my writing coherent? I'm going to take the TOEFL test, so please criticize me more and show me which things I need to improve in my writings :D.

Thanks in advance :D

Dora_tull - / 1  
Jun 26, 2011   #2
Today, people have prodigious choices for their future. Usually most of them attend college or university. Other start working and planning their life right away. Different people will have different choices of their own, but for me, I have three reasons for this theme.

The life in university will give us new experience. Studying in university is the first time away from home. Students used to be took care of their parents, therefore, it is a noble chance to become "a free bird" and learn how to care theirselves. The university as a new world is really wonderful place where people will work a lot, make new friends.

Career preparation is probably the primary reason that people attend college. Before working in certain company, students need learn necessary all thing about their job. If you have a high education and you have a profound degree, the company will look for you. Hence, you will have a desirable salary ans a better position in a big company. Your future will be brighter.

Another good reason for going to college is that you can increase your knowledge. All most of teachers in university are extremely professional. They have a lot of experience for many years and you can learn from them. For example, you can leran about ocean-a mysterious and wonderful worl- a place need you discover. Maybe, you know name of some fishes but you don't know their feature. That is thing you need study.

In a nutshell, I strongly believe that universities and colleges are the best enviroment for young people.So if you have a chance, you should really consider entering university or college.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jun 28, 2011   #3
I think this forum should add a "Thank" button, don't you think?

I passed that message along to the developers. Thanks for the idea! :-)

Use HAVE with THEY.
But in this case, use HAS, because the noun is singular:
Have Has it been for the development of the education system?

Let us examine several reasons below. (After this sentence I think you should give a THESIS STATEMENT that expresses the main idea of the whole essay ... the most important idea.)

They gradually feel comfortable; therefore the develop relationships with...
You used great "variation" of sentence length and structure. I like your writing style: keep practicing!
OP 123nnt 4 / 11  
Jun 29, 2011   #4
They gradually feel comfortable; therefore the develop relationships with...

you mean "therefore, they develop relationships with...", right?
Again, thanks for your help :D
I've rewritten the first paragraph (add a thesis statement at the end of the paragraph) :

We have seen a tremendous increase in the number of people going to university in the last few decades. Why? Has it been for the development of the education system? Do employers require employee to have a higher education? The answer to why more and more people want to have a higher education lies in the hope for a good job in the future.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jun 29, 2011   #5
you mean "therefore, they develop relationships with...", right?

Yep! :-)

The answer to why more and more people want to have a higher education lies in the hope for a good job in the future.

Okay, this shows your position, but I would love it if the statement also had a few words that suggest the concept of reasoning that leads you to this position.

See what I mean? In addition to telling your position, the thesis statement can succinctly indicate the rationale for it.
OP 123nnt 4 / 11  
Jun 30, 2011   #6
Okay, this shows your position, but I would love it if the statement also had a few words that suggest the concept of reasoning that leads you to this position.

OK, I will concentrate more on thesis statements.
Again, thanks for helping me :D


Home / Writing Feedback / "desire of good employment" - Why people attend college or university?