Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

Writing 2: Despite health warnings, a large number of people continue to smoke


Arlen 20 / 40 3  
Dec 7, 2016   #1
Despite health warnings, a large number of people continue to smoke all over the world.

Why should we be concerned about this?
What solutions would you suggest?
Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


Nowadays, more and more researches reveal that smoking is harmful to health. However, there are still some people doing so. The fact is, with the rising of people concerning about their own health, seeking to alternatives solutions is inevitable.

To be honest, smoking is not as serious as drugging or drinking, but it is still a bad model to the children. For somehow, in many commercials and movies, the media intend to make a stereotype of smoking as a symbol of mature adults. This phenomenon leads the children to imitate. Secondly, the worst part of smoking is the second-hand smoke. People don't smoke are influenced by the detriment air. It is unfair that second-hand smoke causes as damaging as smoke, and it results in coughing, allergy and cancer.

I think there are two ways to solve the smoking problems. First of all, the government should raise the tax of cigarettes, which can curb people's desire to purchase it. In this case, once the demand of cigarettes falls, the number of smoking people will drop down as well. Next, to prevent to the second-hand smoke, the authority should legislate that people can't smoke in the public, or they have to pay a huge penalty. For example, in Taiwan, there are many smoking booths in public area, and there facilities can protect both of the people's health and the smoker's right.

To sum up, in spite of the obvious truth that smoking cases disease, many people are still stubborn. However, there are several corresponding solutions as long as people are willing to obey the rules. Then, we can reduce the damaging level of smoking to the lowest.

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,504 2954  
Dec 7, 2016   #2
Arlen, a little more work on the paraphrasing for the opening statement would have helped make your task accuracy score higher than the current 4 that is falls under. There are a number of key points in the original prompt that you should have included in the paraphrased prompt. Elements such as the fact that you will be discussing some solutions to the problem in the succeeding paragraphs should have been included in that overview in order to properly introduce the essay and the topics for discussion to the reader.

Your cohesiveness and coherence would only bring a score of 4 as well. It almost sounds like you are just discussing the topics as it comes to mind due to a problem with your use of cohesive devices.

The Lexical usage could not go beyond a 3 because you have shown a lack of English language familiarity in terms of your word choice. This has caused a limitation in your word development and has also proven to be a bit of a problem for the reader who is trying to understand what you are actually trying to say.

For the grammatical range and accuracy, expect to get another 4 because of the lack of complex sentences and some marked faulty sentence punctuation within the essay.

You have shown that you have the potential to become a good English writer because you do your best to apply your skills to the development of the essay. I have a feeling that you will be showing us marked improvements with your upcoming essays. I see the potential in you because you have a sense of logical thinking in English that can be polished over time with practice.
OP Arlen 20 / 40 3  
Dec 8, 2016   #3
@Holt
Thanks a lot of your comments toward my several essays, I really appreciated.
I noticed that you mentioned many times that I have to improve my cohesiveness and coherence, which always get low score in your marked. Could you possible to give more tips about it?

Also, in this essay, I had tried to use different vocabularies than I did... But it seems not enough at all which make me feel quite upset.

Anyway, Hope you can advise, thanks!
yika 6 / 12 1  
Dec 8, 2016   #4
Hello, this is my correction for you

more and more researchesresearchers reveal that smoking

seeking to alternatives alternative solutions isare inevitable(remember that to-infinitive is after to must be v1 and the subject in this sentence is solution as plural noun)

the tax ofon cigarettes

and therethese facilities can protect ...

thank you
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,504 2954  
Dec 8, 2016   #5
Arlen cohesiveness and cohesion are terms that are used to describe how effectively you present the information that you have on paper. This means that you are able to present your ideas in a manner that a reader can understand and follow because you were able to create a foundation for the proper understanding of your information presentation. Basically coherence is defined as a systematic or logical connection or consistency in a sentence. While cohesiveness refers to the way that you integrate or merge the various information that you have in different paragraphs into a single meaning or thought withing the essay. Here is an example of a cohesive and coherent paragraph that I developed to help you understand what I am explaining:

John wanted to get the apples on the highest branch of the tree. He knew that he needed a ladder in order to climb that high and get the fruits. John was told by his father sometime ago that the ladder was in the barn. So he went to the barn to get the ladder. After getting the ladder, he leaned the ladder on the strongest part of the tree that led to the highest point. He then climbed the ladder and reached the highest point. He began picking the apples from the highest point in the tree.

This is an example of a cohesive and coherent paragraph. You state the topic, explain the reason, how it can be accomplished, and finally, the accomplishment. You need to be able to present your thoughts in a logical manner to the reader. It has to follow a thought process that leads to not only an understanding, but a satisfying conclusion as well.

So what can you do to improve your writing in this aspect? Since you are still doing practice tests, it is important that when you are practicing at home, that you learn how to first outline your discussion and then learn to present the outline in essay form. The cohesiveness comes from the logical or step by step presentation of your facts. The coherence, comes from how the information comes together in an understandable manner to the reader once the paragraph or essay is finished.

Please feel free to ask additional questions if you have any. I'll try to respond as soon as I can.


Home / Writing Feedback / Writing 2: Despite health warnings, a large number of people continue to smoke