Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

(IELTs) Should developing countries concentrate on industry or education?


kridUessay 2 / 15 5  
Mar 2, 2014   #1
Hello everyone, could you guys give me some feedback on this essay? So as to improve my writing skill. I value you guys' opinions and thanks in advance.

Question: Should developing countries concentrate on improving industrial skills and modern technology or should they promote education first?

In our post-modern era, modern technologies have advanced so rapidly and become one of the most important factors for country's improvements. But to focus on improving industrial skills and those state-of-the-art innovations would not be appropriate with developing countries. Instead, developing countries should prioritize education first as most citizens still struggle with economic disparity. The evidence to support my claim is pervasive.

First and foremost, if developing countries do not recognize the importance of education, they will encounter many deep-rooted problems, especially of poverty. Many individuals are desperate and dejected to the fact that the government does not fully support them. Students whose father works as a farmer, for example, fail to upgrade themselves from lower-class to middle-class. Often, they cannot afford the expensive tuition in high-ranked school in a city, so they end up studying in low-ranked school in a rural area.

Second, improving industrial skills and modern technology tends to exacerbate the social equality and economic prosperity. With the alarming rate of penniless individuals, the country governed by capitalism will witness a huge gap between the rich and the poor. In particular, the country chooses to hone a specific target group while neglecting those impoverished minority. To explain, you may have ten individuals to help invent modern tools, bring up many magnificent ideas to develop the country. To such an extent, the country is abounded with modernization and industrialization. Or you can educate young generations and let them learn all fundamental skills. As a result, multitudes of talented students can as well demonstrate productive result although they may need time to learn.

In the final analysis, education is a cornerstone of sustainable developments for any countries. Without good education, it is absolutely impossible to move forward and invent new innovations. Im my perspective, poverty, which is one of the deep-rooted problems from the lack of good education, should be the number-one issue that developing countries reckon and revamp as soon as possible.

agi 13 / 30 4  
Mar 3, 2014   #2
hi,

first supporting viewpoint on education is excellent. But third paragraph, you should present the second strong point for promoting education. Your second point seems like not relevant.
vynguyen 2 / 7 1  
Mar 3, 2014   #3
I am really impressed by the wide range of sentence structures and vocabulary you used in this essay. However, your word choice seems a bit too much for me as I find it hard to follow your train of thought. I am not a native speaker anyway. Other than that I really appreciate it.
OP kridUessay 2 / 15 5  
Mar 3, 2014   #4
Thank you you both for your comments! It seems my second point is out of scope. I'll work on that, thanks again.

KridUessay
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Mar 4, 2014   #5
In our post-modern era, modern technologies have advanced so rapidly and become one of the most important factors for country's improvements.

For me, I find it is very hard to understand what you really mean by this. I think you need to pay more attention to the essay introduction.


Home / Writing Feedback / (IELTs) Should developing countries concentrate on industry or education?